


The things they never told me

by pieceofchocolate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23461888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pieceofchocolate/pseuds/pieceofchocolate
Summary: When Harry decides to take care of Remus' things, he finds reason to doubt how well he really knew his dad's old friends. Remus and Sirius, however, had not intended to leave Harry clueless about the past, but quite the contrary.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 101





	1. To my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months after the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry goes through Remus' possessions, and finds out about secrets he had not prepared for.

"I’m sorry," said the woman, "I should have taken care of it weeks ago. I just couldn’t…" She struggled to find the words, but failed. "Well, I just couldn’t" 

"I understand."

"I feel like an intruder there. It would have been different if it was her place, but she sold her flat the second she moved in there. I never understood why, it was perfect. And had more space, for that matter. We even offered to pay for a new house for the both of them. But she made her choice." She paused. "I’m sorry, I know this isn’t your problem."

"Don’t worry about it," said Harry. "I’ve told you, I’m happy to help you with anything, really."

Andromeda Tonks gave him a kind smile, but before she had answered, the silence was interrupted. 

"Sounds like someone has woken up," she said tiredly, stood up and walked out of the kitchen. The crying stopped a few moments later, and she came back holding the little boy that seemed to grow bigger by the minute. She sat down on the chair next to Harry, and gently stroked a wisp of hair away from Ted Lupin’s face. 

"These are strange times," she said. "We’re used to having someone to lean on when things are difficult. I don’t know what I would have done without Molly and Arthur when Ted died. Now, we all have to lean on each other."

Harry watched her as she gently kissed the boy’s forehead. A few moments of silence passed. Harry did not know what to say.

Mrs Tonks continued: "She moved all of her things here while he... was away. I don’t think she believed he would come back, to be honest." Harry could hear the bitter sting in her voice. "And when he did, there was really no time to move it all back." She swallowed."I don’t feel like I… knew him. I don’t feel comfortable going through his things."

Harry nodded. 

It was as if he had known Remus that well, himself. They had gotten to know each other as student and professor, and after that, there had not been time. Harry had always known that Remus cared for him, and he had found comfort in knowing that Remus would be there for him. After the battle, however, he had found himself wondering whether he really knew his old professor at all.

It had never occurred to him that Remus could die. Without realising it, Harry had always assumed, and expected, that there would come a moment when there would be time, time to ask all the questions he had about his parents, about Sirius, about Remus himself. Time for them to visit the graveyard in Godric’s Hollow together, time to give Sirius a proper gravestone, time for Harry to apologize for the horrible things he had said that day at Grimmauld Place. 

And now, it was too late. 

He swallowed the lump of tears that had welled up in his throat without him even noticing. ''I'll take care of it, Mrs Tonks. It's really not a problem.''

"Are you sure?" asked Mrs Tonks. "You must have a million important things on your mind."

"This is important,’’ said Harry and reached his hand out for the little boy who with great joy grasped his finger with his entire hand. "And you'r sure he had no other relatives?"

"Not that I know about. No one was at the wedding, at least."

Harry nodded again. 

"Thank you," said Mrs Tonks. "Thank you."

"I really don’t mind." It was true. Mrs Tonks seemed more than happy to be relieved of the burden, and honestly, Harry could not imagine anyone else but him doing it. "I’ll bring what is left of Dora’s things here, and make sure to save everything that Teddy might want when he’s older. Do you have enough space for everything?

"All I have is space," said Andromeda. "Dora’s old room is empty, and Ted won’t really need his office anymore." She took a deep breath. "There’s plenty of room, is what I’m trying to say."

"Mrs Tonks?"

"Yes?"

"What do you want me to do with the house?"

"It’s Teddy’s," she said. 

"Would you like me to make sure it gets sold? Or do you want to keep it for when he’s older?"

Mrs Tonks looked at the little boy who had fallen asleep in her arms, still with his fist tightly clenched around Harry’s finger. 

"Sell it,’’ she said. "He shouldn’t have to make that decision when he’s older. I’ll open an account for him at Gringotts and we can put the money there until he needs it."

Harry nodded, not entirely certain if he agreed with Mrs Tonks, but entirely certain that it was easier for them both to let her decide. 

"Are you sure you want to take care of it?"

"Yes. If you trust me, of course."

She smiled. ‘’Thank you," she said again. 

Harry carefully eased his finger from the baby’s tight grip, and took the last sip of tea from the cup in front of him. "Thank you," he said. "For the tea. And everything. Don’t hesitate to tell me if there is anything else I can do."

"You’ve done more than enough," said Mrs Tonks. "I hope to see you soon, Harry."

"You will," said Harry. "Goodbye, Mrs Tonks."

It was chilly outside, but he decided to defy the cold and walk for a bit before apparating back to the Burrow. He pulled his coat tighter around his body and started walking down the pathway leading away from the house.

The last months had been strange, to say the least. It had been painfully clear to everyone involved that there was no premade script to follow for the aftermath of a war. Harry had never before felt so out of place. He wanted to help, he wanted to do what he could, but wherever he was, it felt as if he was not supposed to be there. 

For the Weasley’s, however, it had been obvious that he was going to stay with them for the first time after the battle. After a few days, he almost wished it had not. He felt as an intruder, and although he was ashamed to admit it, even just to himself, he grasped every chance he had to escape the house. 

Hermione had been there. Hermione had understood. Hermione had grabbed his hand when everyone sat quietly around a burning candle, and Harry was not sure whether he should leave or stay, and she had given him a friendly nudge in the back when they found a crying Mr Weasley in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Whenever he did not know whether he should be in the room or not, she had given him a comforting look that said ‘’ _I know, me neither’’._ They had helped each other to keep themselves occupied and helpful in the best way possible - quietly taking care of the dishes after dinner, changing the sheets in the beds every once in a while, and making sure the cupboards were stacked with food again before Mrs Weasley had noticed that they were empty. 

But by July, Hermione had left to go find her parents, and Harry was the only outsider left at the Weasleys. He left the house a couple of times per week to check in on Mrs Tonks. Even if they barely knew each other, he felt obliged to make sure that she was taken care of, as well as Teddy. Although the situation in which their paths crossed again was awful, and strange, Harry had begun to find comfort in the inhumanely strong woman who had lost so much. 

It started to rain. Harry threw a last glance at the now tiny dot that was Mrs Tonks’ house, and apparated back to the Burrow. 

The kitchen was empty and the house was silent. It was already half past ten. He was just wondering whether the Weasleys were already pretending to be asleep, when Ron stepped in. 

"Thought I heard something. How is she?"

"Still standing," said Harry, took his jacket off and hung it on one of the hooks next to the door. "Is Ginny up?"

"She’s reading upstairs. Probably waiting up until you get back."

"Heard from Hermione?"

"Not since she got there. Quite a long bit for the poor owl. Will probably take a few days, even if she’s already written."

Harry nodded. "Ron, I’ve been thinking."

"You want to move," said Ron before Harry had time to elaborate. Harry nodded. Ron smiled. "I saw it coming. Firewhiskey?"

He turned around and walked into the kitchen without waiting for a response. Harry followed and opened the pantry to get the bottle while Ron took two glasses from the shelf and sat down in front of the fire. 

"Are you going back to Hogwarts in September?" asked Harry. 

"I don’t know," said Ron. "I mean, Hermione is."

"Did you talk about it?"

"No. But it’s Hermione." Ron opened the bottle and filled the glasses with generous portions of firewhiskey. "I don’t think I want to, though.’’

"I’m not sure, either." He took the glass that Ron handed him and paused to take a sip. "I feel like your mother is expecting me to go back there soon and that’s why she’s letting me stay here."

"Nah," said Ron. 

"I… I want to get my own place," said Harry. It was not until he said it out loud that he knew what he wanted. 

"Where?"

"Anywhere."

Ron took a large sip from his glass and grimaced as the content burned his throat. "All right. I hope you know that you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want, but I knew that you wouldn’t stay forever."

"Why don’t you come with me?"

"Come with you where?"

"Anywhere. We’ll get a place together. Figure everything out while Hermione and Ginny finish school."

Ron just stared at him. "Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn’t I be?" said Harry.

Ron shrugged. "All right. I just need to make sure it doesn’t cause my mother a heart attack. You know how she is right now."

Harry nodded, relieved by how simple and pain-free the conversation had been. 

"We’re going to the graveyard tomorrow," said Ron. Not sure whether it was an invitation or just information, Harry nodded. 

"There you are," said a familiar voice. "Saved some for me, I hope."

Ginny walked over to them, gave Harry a kiss and turned around again to look for a third glass. She filled it with firewhiskey and sat down on the floor by the fire. "How did it go?"

"I promised Mrs Tonks that I’d take care of Remus’ old things." Harry took a sip of his firewhiskey.

"Blimey," said Ron.

"Yeah," said Harry and emptied his whole glass. "Think I’ll get right to it in the morning. Get it over with."

"Do you want me to go with you?" said Ginny.

"No, I… No. It’s okay. Ron told me you're going to the graveyard." He stared at his glass. "I don’t mind going by myself, really. Thank you, though."

Ginny nodded and squeezed his hand. 

"Allright." Ron emptied his glass as well. "Let us know if you change your mind and need a hand, will you?"

"I will. Thank you."

***

As he approached the house the next day, his legs felt heavy. Even though he had a feeling that this was something he had to do on his own, he almost wished that Ginny would have been there to hold his hand after all. 

The door was open. He wondered why no one had bothered to lock it. Maybe they had left in a hurry, believing that they would be back soon.

He stepped inside. It felt as if he should have been here while Remus was still alive. Harry wondered if he had lived here since he was a teacher at Hogwarts. He knew that Remus had stayed with Sirius at Grimmauld Place, but he had never thought about why. Was it so that someone could keep an eye on Sirius to keep him from doing something stupid and dangerous? Or was it because Remus could barely afford a place of his own? 

Harry looked around. The kitchen looked as if it was waiting for its owner to come back. A newspaper laid open on the kitchen table. Harry carefully turned to the front page to see the date. _April 30th, 1998._

It was a small house. Harry realised that his mission would be easier than expected, as Remus did not have a lot of possessions. Yet, he suddenly felt uncomfortable with the task, and he suddenly understood Mrs Tonks comment about feeling as an intruder.

Harry spent a few minutes just standing in the kitchen. He felt disappointed. Without admitting it to himself, he had hoped that this place would bring him some answers. Standing there, he realised that he did not even know the question. He had expected this place to make him feel like he really knew Remus and Tonks, that it would be abundantly obvious from the moment he walked in that this had been their home. However, he realised now, that was a lot to expect from a small house. 

Resisting the urge to leave and come back another day, he started to look around in cupboards and drawers, trying to get past the feeling of invading someone’s privacy. How would he decide what to throw away and what to keep? How would he know what Teddy would want, and not? Maybe it would be easier to just find a place to store everything. Let Teddy decide when he was older. At the same time, he wondered if it would really help his godson to have a set of his dead father’s old knives, forks, and frying pans. 

Overwhelmed by the amount of decisions that had to be made, Harry walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. It contained a fireplace, a small table, and two frayed armchairs. Green curtains framed the window with a view of the meadow outside. There were two doors on his right, and Harry opened the closest one to found a study. Three of the four walls were covered by shelves, crammed with books. In the corner was a desk, buried under stacks of papers, and a single chair. Harry walked closer to the desk. Above it hung a pinboard, filled with pictures and newspaper articles that had been cut out. A much younger version of Harry himself smiled at him from a small photo. Lily waved happily at the camera with Harry in her arms, and James kissed her cheek.

He moved forward and opened the other door. He found the bedroom where Remus and Tonks had squeezed in a small cot next to the bed. Next to it was a small door that Harry assumed led to a closet. He gave the doorknob a gentle twist, and as the door swung open, he realised that the closet was a lot bigger than he had expected - it was almost the size of the bedroom itself. On his right was a cupboard and a dresser filled with clothes. Further in stood shelves filled with unmatching boxes in varying sizes, most of them jotted by Remus unmistakable handwriting. Harry walked in to take a closer look on what the boxes said:  
  


_Pictures_

_Mom and dad_

_Documents_

_Letters, 1970-1980_

_Letters, 1980-_

_Throw away (H?)_

_Other things_

_Lily and James (H)  
  
_

Harry’s eyes got stuck on the last one. He reached out and lifted it to the floor so quickly that the whole shelf trembled in an alarming way. He read the words on the box one more time, wondered what the _H_ stood for, decided that it was probably not important, and opened the box. 

On top of the items inside was a small note.  
  


 _Harry -  
_ _I brought these things with me from Godric’s Hollow fifteen years ago when we prepared the funeral. I found this box during the move here and thought that you might want them now. I do not know when I will see you again, so I am writing you this note in case I will not get the opportunity to give you this to you in person.  
_ _/Remus  
_ _PS. This box contains a tiny silver teaspoon. James stole it from Three Broomsticks after his first date with Lily in seventh year. He told us it was a symbol for the beginning of something beautiful. (We told him it was theft.) He kept it and used it at their wedding. We found the spoon in his pocket after he died._

  
Harry read the letter multiple times. _I brought these things with me from Godric’s Hollow fifteen years ago when we prepared for the funeral._ Harry had no idea that Remus had been involved in the practical matters after his parents’ death, and suddenly felt stupid for never asking, but when he thought about it, it was obvious. Who else would have done it? He doubted that Petunia had been of any help, and he did not know about any other friends or relatives. The letter said _we_ . When _we_ prepared for the funeral. Who had helped him? Dumbledore, McGonagall, Hagrid? He wondered if it was Remus that had picked out the script on the gravestone, and made a mental note to ask Hagrid about it. 

_Fifteen years ago._ Remus must have written this note during Harry’s sixth year at Hogwarts. He must have been afraid that he would not come back after going undercover with Greyback’s pack. Why had Remus not given him this when they met last summer, before Bill and Fleur’s wedding? 

He decided not to think more about it, put away the letter, and looked into the box. The first thing that caught his eye was the silver spoon. He picked it up and viewed it, as if it would tell him something that Remus’ letter had left out.

The second thing that caught his attention was a white dress. He stood up and unfolded it, held it up in front of himself and immediately recognized it as his mother’s dress from their wedding picture. It hit him how much shorter than him she must have been, and by just staring at the dress, an overprotective urge welled up inside him. He held it close to his chest and felt a bitter sting in his heart as he wished he could hug her. 

He spent the next two hours going through the box. Most of the items, such as the wedding rings, were self-explainatory. With other items, such as an old quill, Harry guessed that Remus had probably intended to give him further explanation when given the chance. Some of the items, such as a single earring, probably had an explanation behind them, but nonetheless, Harry was grateful that Remus had saved it. 

Oh, the irony, he thought, that he had come here to gather some of Remus’ things for his son, and found what Remus had gathered for James’ son. As he finally closed the box, and read the writing on it one more time, he realised that the _H_ must stand for Harry. He stopped for a moment and looked back at the other boxes on the shelf to see if his memory tricked him.

_Throw away (H?)_

The last part was written with a different marker, a red colour, as if it had been put there later. Harry looked back at the _H_ on the box containing his parents’ old things, and wondered whether his conclusion about the H standing for Harry was really correct. Why would Remus give him a box of things to throw away?

Either way, it was Harry’s job to go through it. He reached for the box and put it down next to the first one.

This one did not contain a note, although Harry wished that it would have. He found a bottle of perfume. A book. A few items of clothing. A watch. A pack of cigarettes. It seemed less likely to him by the minute that the box was meant for him. He had almost given up on finding some kind of secret message from Remus when a small detail on the watch he had put down on the floor caught his eye. He picked it up and took a closer look.

 _Sirius Orion Black  
_ _031176_

 _It’s tradition to give a wizard a watch when he comes of age,_ Mrs Weasley’s voice echoed in the back of Harry’s head. This must have been the watch Sirius received on his seventeenth birthday. Harry doubted that Walburga and Orion Black had sent him so much as a card, and wondered who had given it to him. 

As his eyes moved from the watch back to the rest of the items, he realised that the other things must have belonged to Sirius as well. It would explain that Remus might have considered passing the box to Harry, although the _Throw away_ -part remained a mystery, as Remus had obviously _not_ thrown it away. 

He kept digging through the box to look for more leads. Under a muggle t-shirt with the _Pink Floyd_ logo on it, he found a small stack of letters. He gently loosened the clip that held them together, and took a careful look at the first envelope. There was no address, just the letter _M._

After a moment of hesitation, he opened the envelope and unfolded the letter inside. The date _19/08/77_ was written in small letters in the corner of the parchment.   
  


_To my love -  
_ _I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss you! Things are good here (I’m having the best summer of my life, actually, since no one is beating the living shit out of me) but I can’t wait to see you again. Even though I saw you two weeks ago, it feels like forever.  
_ _I told Mr and Mrs Potter about you. Or well, James did it for me, accidentally, that clumsy prick. They took it so well, I feel bad about being so nervous. They said they were happy for me and that you are welcome to stay here any time you’d like, as always.  
_ _I hope you’re doing well and that your mother is feeling better after everything that happened. Promise to let me know if there is anything I can do.  
_ _I can’t wait to hold you again. See you soon!  
_ _Love,  
_ _Padfoot_

  
August, 1977. This must have been the summer before Sirius’ last year at Hogwarts. Harry assumed that ‘’M’’ must be an old girlfriend of Sirius. He felt an uncomfortable twinge in his stomach when it once again hit him how little he had known about his godfather. 

The other envelope had nothing written on it, but it contained two letters with different dates written on them. Hoping that these two would reveal the identity of _M,_ Harry kept reading. Maybe she was still alive. Maybe she would be able to tell him more, explain, help him understand. 

_26/08/78  
_ _You told me not to write, so first of all, I’m sorry for this letter._ _Second of all, I’m sorry about everything else, so now I’m going to make a complete arse of myself, because I had to let you know that I think breaking up was a mistake. I love you, you moron!! I love you so much that it kills me to know that you ever doubted it. And I know I’m an idiot and I make things more difficult than they have to be just like you said, but I’d much rather be an idiot with you. I know agreed that breaking up would make things easier, but fuck was I wrong. I honestly don’t know if there is anything I can say to make this better, but either way, I had to tell you one more time. I love you so much. Please give me another chance to prove it.  
_ _Always yours, Padfoot_

Harry’s heart was beating fast. A voice in his head was telling him that he should stop being snoopy, but the voice drowned under his curiosity. He put the letter away and opened the next one. This one was short.

_12/01/1981  
_ _If you get this, please let us hear from you immediately. Lily and I are both worried sick about the two of you. Neither of us have heard from you in a week, and when I’m writing this you were supposed to be home two days ago. Please send us a patronus to let us know you’re okay. Be careful. I love you.  
_ _/Padfoot_

Disappointed that not a single one of the letters revealed the identity of _M_ , he put the letters back down in the box. Were they even written for the same person? Had Sirius ever sent them? If yes, how had Remus collected them?

And then he found a stack of old photographs. He stared at the first picture for a good while before things began to fall into place.

The picture portrayed a much younger, and much more healthy-looking, Remus Lupin. Behind him, with his arms around the young and blushing Remus, stood Sirius, smiling widely and pressing his lips against Remus’ forehead every couple of seconds. Next picture showed Remus asleep on the couch in the Gryffindor common, with a sleeping Sirius resting his head against his chest. Next picture, Remus and Sirius holding hands with James eagerly waving in the background. Next picture, Remus and Sirius kissing each other next to a clapping Lily in a wedding dress. 

Harry walked out of the closet and sunk down on the bed, still holding the pictures in his hand. His surroundings suddenly felt surreal. He looked back at the boxes through the closet door. There had to be an explanation hidden there, somewhere. The part of him that wanted to respect Remus’ privacy was still there, but as he realised what the boxes a few feet away could potentially tell him - about his parents, about Sirius, about these pictures - his inhibitions flew out the window. He put the photographs down, walked back into the closet, and tore down the one that said " _Letters, 1980 -"._ He opened it eagerly and dived down in the piles of envelopes and parchments. He did not have to search for many minutes before something caught his attention; an envelope with the word _Padfoot_ written on it. Harry opened it and found several pieces of parchment held together by a clip. 

_Moony,  
_ _That was not exactly the reunion I had been waiting for. I’d wished we had more time. There are so many things I’ve been waiting to say._ _I’m safe for now. Please take care of yourself and him. You’ll hear from me soon.  
_ _/P  
_ _PS._ _It was really nice to see you again._

_Moony,  
_ _Sorry about the job. I hope you’re alright. I promise to give that bastard what he deserves as soon as I get the chance. I want to come see you, but I’m afraid they’ll keep an eye on you after this. We’ll talk soon.  
_ _/P_

_Moony,  
_ _I assume you’ve heard about what’s going on. I’ve decided to stay close to him. Is there any chance we could meet up? I want to hear everything.  
_ _/P_

_Thanks for your considerate attempt to talk me out of it, but I’ve made up my mind. If you want to see me, I’ll be at our spot (do you remember?) tuesday at noon. Let me know if you’ll be there. /P_

_Dear Moony, Thank you for the birthday card. I’m sorry about how I acted when we met. I wish things weren’t so difficult. PS. You look better than ever._

_Merry Christmas, love. I hope you’re not alone.  
_ _/P_

_Moons, I’m sorry you haven’t heard from me in a while. It’s hard to keep track on what day it is, but I just realized that tomorrow is your birthday. I hope you’re well taken care of and that we can meet soon. When things calm down, I’ll go back to where I’m from. I hope I can see you there. Happy Birthday._

_Everything is under control. Just trying to stay under the radar.  
PS. _ _I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you this, but I miss you._

_Moony -  
_ _New plan. I’ll be there in a few days. I’ll explain everything then. Same address as the one you sent me?  
_ _/P_

Harry stared at the notes, realising that these must have been written during his fourth year, and the tournament, while Sirius was staying hidden in Hogsmeade. Determined not to get stuck yet, he put the letters away and kept looking through the box. He found a second envelope, adressed to Remus, and he immediately recognized Sirius' handwriting.

_Dear Moony,  
_ _I don’t know where you are, but I hope this owl gets to you. I hope you can forgive me for the awful things I said to you. I didn’t mean a single one of them. It’s not the first time I get scared and say things I don’t mean. And it’s certainly not the first time I hurt you by doing so. But if you come back, I promise that it will be the last._  
 _I know things are different, that we’re no longer the same. I don’t know what we’re supposed to be. Maybe we’re nothing. Maybe that’s easiest. If that’s what you prefer, I will respect it. But I owe you the truth. After all this time, I still love you, with every little broken piece of my fucked up heart._ _I know I shouldn’t have kissed you. I know you say I’ve been alone for too long and been through too much. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I just ruined my chances of getting you to come home again. I figured that at least I couldn’t make it worse than it already is._ _I understand if you don’t feel the same, I expect nothing else. But please come home - as my family, as my friend, as someone who needs a place to stay, or as mine. I just can’t stand being without you again.  
_ _Love, Padfoot_

Harry felt dizzy, and decided that it was time for a break.


	2. Happy 16th birthday, Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry turns to Mrs Tonks, hoping for answers. As he returns to his cleaning project, he finds a pleasant surprise from the past.

"Ah. I should have seen this coming." She turned around, searching for something. "Would you like some tea?"

"Er… some tea would be nice, thank you," said Harry, confused about whether he should expect further explanation or not. He sat down by the table and watched the slender woman search her cupboards for tea and cups. A minute of silence passed, and Harry waited patiently. 

"You found something that confused you, didn’t you?" said Mrs Tonks finally. 

"You could say that," said Harry. Mrs Tonks smiled and poured the tea into his cup. She sat down, straightened her skirt, and took a careful sip of the tea.

"What’s on your mind, Harry?"

Harry threw a glance on the old letters he had brought with him. 

"Were they… were they…"

"You’re wondering if they were a couple?"

He nodded. Mrs Tonks added a generous spoon of sugar to her cup and stirred it. 

"I remember the first time I met Remus," she said. "Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor and I went over there during the ceremony to give him a hug and make sure he was all right. There were mixed feelings, to say the least. He looked happy. Proud. But when he saw me, it seemed as if he was about to cry. I felt him shaking in my arms. I almost wanted to pull him with me to the Slytherin table because I did not want to leave him alone."

"Did Sirius not want to be in Gryffindor?"

"He did. He knew he belonged there, too. But at the same time… we both knew what this meant for him. He was terrified." She paused. "But then this boy sat down next to him. He looked right at Sirius and asked if everything was well. Then he went on about other things, just to distract him. I just remember thinking that Sirius would be in good hands, after all."

She paused again. Harry waited patiently. 

"I left Hogwarts the next year, but according to my sister, this boy and Sirius - as well as your father, of course, and Pettigrew - were always seen together. Sirius and I wrote to each other every now and then. I think I was the only family he could stand. When I got married to Ted, and my family disowned me, Sirius supported me more than anyone. And he was just a teenager, back then." She looked down on her hands with the well-painted nails. "During the summer of 1975 - that is, before Sirius started his fifth year - he came to visit me and Ted. He asked me how I’d done it. Left it all. He was in love, Harry. I could tell. And I could tell that our family would _not_ approve. We talked about it for a long time, but he never told me who it was. He ran away from home a couple of months later, on Christmas Eve."

"Did Sirius run away because of Remus?"

"I don’t think so," said Mrs Tonks, "I’m sure he would have done it sooner or later, anyway."

"Did his parents find out?"

"I don’t know. It’s possible. I heard about it all from Regulus the year after. I don’t know much about what happened between them - Remus and Sirius, that is - during their time at Hogwarts, I’m afraid. I didn’t see Sirius on a regular basis until he graduated from Hogwarts, and joined the Order. He came by often to check up on me and Ted. And Nymphadora, of course."

"And were they together, by then?"

"They might as well have been married." Mrs Tonks smiled. "Remus moved in the second Regulus died. It absolutely tore Sirius apart, even though he would never admit it. Although, from what I gathered, it was not always a bed of roses. They broke up more than once, that I know of. I remember one night in particular, when your father, James, burst in here and screamed that I had to knock some sense into Sirius because he had stopped listening to him and Lily."

"But Sirius thought that Remus was the spy," said Harry. He had tried to be patient, but the questions were welling up inside him in an uncontrollable manner.

"Yes," said Mrs Tonks. "Yes. I think they were in a bad spot at the time. Sirius was hurt. And paranoid. Maybe it was easier for him to just pretend that Remus was a Death Eater than to face the truth about their relationship. I loved Sirius, but he was not really a man of rhyme and reason. He had strong emotions. Impulsive."

"But when my parents died…" Harry turned quiet, not entirely sure what he was getting at.

"I think a part of Remus died that day," said Mrs Tonks with a low voice. "Just losing Peter, Lily, and James - and you, for that matter - would have ruined him, but believing that Sirius had done it… He never recovered from that. And he probably never would have, had the truth not come out." 

"And when Sirius came back?" said Harry. 

"Molly told me once back then that they were like teenagers, trying to sneak around. I don’t know what they were. I don’t think they knew, either. I guess there were a lot of other things to think about. And then Nymphadora came into the picture…" She took a deep breath. "Not once was there bitterness, or competition, between her and Sirius. But she felt as if she was taking up somebody else’s spot. I knew that Remus had feelings for her while Sirius was still alive. But then, when he died…" She shook her head. 

Harry felt more stupid than ever. The summer after Sirius’ death, he had hoped that Remus would write to him. Make sure he was doing all right. Not once had the thought struck him to check in on Remus - and now, knowing what Mrs Tonks had just told him, he felt like a complete idiot.

"That is why I disapproved of his marriage to my daughter. I know he loved her dearly, but I don’t think he truly got over Sirius. And our relationship was always a bit… forced. To me, he had been Sirius’ boyfriend, and suddenly he was my son-in-law. Besides, we couldn’t stand to look each other in the eye after…" She took a deep breath. "After what happened."

"After _what_ happened?" said Harry confused.

"After my sister killed Sirius," said Mrs Tonks coldly. 

"But that wasn’t your fault!" said Harry. 

"And he never blamed me." She swallowed. "But I felt bad. Probably the same way Molly refuses to put her foot here now."

In spite of their striking physical resemblance, Harry had found himself forgetting that Mrs Tonks was Bellatrix’ sister more than once.

"But Mrs Weasley can’t possibly think…"

"That I blame her for killing the woman who murdered my daughter, my cousin, and Molly’s son? Of course not," said Mrs Tonks. "But the conscience works in mysterious ways. It’s not rational."

Harry swallowed. A few minutes of silence passed.

"What’s on your mind?" said Mrs Tonks. "You look troubled."

"I… I feel like I didn’t know Remus well enough. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be for Teddy what Remus and Sirius was to me." Harry had not meant to sound as miserable as he did, but he felt miserable. "And after today, I don’t feel like I knew him at all." He immediately regretted saying too much, and stood up before Mrs Tonks had time to answer. "I need to go. Will you give Teddy a hug from me?"

"Of course. Thanks for stepping by, Harry. Don’t be a stranger." She stood up, looked at him for a couple of seconds and pulled him into a hug. With a low voice, she added: "You’ll be a brilliant godfather. Don’t worry."

Harry went back to the cottage immediately. He knew that if he did not finish his little project now, he would never do it. Yesterday, his only accomplishment had been to make a mess. 

"Here we go," he mumbled to himself as he kneeled on the floor in the closet. Not sure where to begin, he wished that he had brought Hermione’s beaded bag to shove everything inside for another day. He decided to start by making two piles - throw away, and save - and come back with a more proper tool for storing the latter. The two boxes filled with Remus’ old letters, as well as the box with Lily’ and James things and the old Sirius-box all went to the "save"-pile. Harry stared at the rest of the boxes and decided that the box labelled _"Other things"_ would be a simple continuation. 

Harry found an old typewriter, a Gryffindor-scarf, an old newspaper, and a plethora of other mixed items, but one caught his attention. On top of an old chess game was a small wrapped gift with a card attached to it. 

_Happy 16th birthday, Harry!_

_After our talk about what you saw in Dumbledore’s pensieve, Remus and I decided that it was time to tell you more about other sides of your parents. We hope this will be helpful. /Sirius_

"Happy 16th birthday, Harry." Even though it was just over two years ago, the card might as well have been an ancient relic. His fingers touched the familiar handwriting as he pictured Sirius writing it, and felt an invisible knife stab him in the stomach. Sirius had died two months before Harry turned 16, but Remus had been there. If he had kept this, why had he not given it to Harry, then? Harry remembered the birthday. Remus had, to Mrs Weasley’s dismay, announced the death of Igor Karkaroff, and Bill had given them the news about Florian Fortescue. Maybe something as trivial as this little package had been forgotten. Nevertheless, a wave of excitement rushed through Harry as he, although two years late, opened the birthday present from his godfather.

Wrapped in the dark red paper was a paper box with a small glass bottle inside. Harry stared at it for a couple of seconds before realising what it contained - the shiny white threads inside were memory. Harry’s pulse skyrocketed. He read the note again. _Remus and I decided that it was time to tell you more about other sides of your parents._

The memories inside must be their memories of James and Lily.

 _I need to find a pensieve,_ he thought. The only one Harry had ever used was at the headmaster’s office at Hogwarts. Was he supposed to go back and ask McGonagall to use hers? Harry thought that Sirius and Remus would have had a better plan for this. Although, Harry thought, they had planned to give them to him while he was still actually attending school. 

He felt as an inpatient child as he carefully placed the bottle on the floor next to him with the realisation that he would have to wait before he could see what his parents’ friends had saved him - but then a small note caught his eye. 

Stuck on the chess game that had laid underneath the present was a piece of parchment. It did not say much, but Harry recognized Remus’ handwriting: 

_Pensieve, Grimmauld Place?_

Harry picked up the bottle again, stood up and apparated without a second thought. 

  
  
  



	3. Welcome home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding the Black family's old pensieve at Grimmauld Place, Harry - quite literally - dives into the past.

It felt as if he was falling for minutes. Grimmauld Place faded further away, until Harry without the actual sensation of landing suddenly realised that he was no longer falling, but standing in a room resembling his old dormitory room at Hogwarts. This room, however, was a bit smaller, and a lot messier. 

"Oh, you’re awake," said a voice behind him, and Harry turned quickly to see who it came from. "Merry Christmas!"

A young boy that Harry recognized from Snape’s memories as Remus Lupin was sitting on his bedpost. He was buttoning his shirt, and threw a glance towards one of the other beds in which someone had just turned on the light. 

"Merry Christmas," said a sleepy voice in response. The curtain was pulled aside and a newly awake young boy stepped out. Harry immediately recognized that it was Sirius, dressed in his pyjamas, with the hair in a messy knot on his head. Harry turned again to look at the other beds - his father must be in one of them, he thought - but found that they were both empty and neatly made, as if no one had slept there. If James was not in this memory, what was it that Remus and Sirius had wanted him to see? 

He turned again to see Sirius, on his way to the bathroom, freeze and turn his head as he noticed something unusual. A huge pile of presents wrapped in red and gold paper, stocked by the foot of his bed. Sirius looked up at Remus, who had just reached out for a little package from his own pile of gifts.

"Who did this?"

"Pardon?"

"The presents?"

"Oh. The house elves, I assume."

"No, but -" Sirius paused and stared at the presents again, before slowly returning to sit down on his bedpost. He did not notice that Remus was looking at him through the little curtain of sand-coloured curls hanging down over his forehead. "Who are they from?"

"Er," said Remus, "friends and family, I assume."

"But my parents wouldn’t -" Sirius paused again, as if he had said too much. 

"That one, over there," said Remus and pointed to a package wrapped in another paper than the rest of the gifts - a white one covered with dancing Santas - "is from James and Peter and me. The rest of them… I don’t know, read the card."

Sirius, who had just found an envelope, opened it carefully and pulled out the card inside. It spit out a cloud of glitter as he opened it. Harry walked around to see what it said.

_ Dear Sirius, _

_ You wouldn’t come with me for Christmas, so my parents and I decided to bring Christmas to you. We hope you’ll like these. I promised my parents to give you their love. They can’t wait to meet you this summer and say you’re welcome to stay with us for as long as you’d like. I’ll see you soon! Merry Christmas! _

_ /James _

When Harry had read the letter three times, Sirius was still staring at it as if it was written in some form of foreign language that he tried to make sense of.

"I assume," said Remus, who had walked closer to them with neither Sirius nor Harry noticing, "that James might have told his parents that you weren’t expecting any gifts."

Sirius did not say anything. When Harry stood next to them both, it struck him how young they were - even if it was not the first time he had been next to them in a memory like this, it felt strange and surreal. A part of him felt a strong urge to reach out to them, to comfort them, to protect them from what was coming, from what they were now blissfully unaware of. 

"Sirius?" said Remus with worried eyes. Sirius just nodded, avoiding Remus’ look. It almost seemed as if he was afraid to touch the presents. 

"Did you know about this?" said Sirius with a weird voice. 

"Yes," Remus confessed. Sirius nodded again. Harry suddenly realised that Sirius was acting strange in an attempt to hold back tears. Remus, who must have realised the same thing, walked back to his bed and proceeded to open the gifts from his family. Every couple of seconds, he threw a glance at Sirius, who was still sitting on his bedpost, refusing to look up or touch any of the presents. After a while, Remus dared to open his mouth again: 

"Why didn’t you, by the way? I know why you didn’t wanna go home, but… it sounded as if the Potters - or James, at least - were very eager to celebrate Christmas together in Southampton."

It took a couple of seconds for Sirius to answer. Remus did not stress him. "I just thought… you know."

"What?"

"I just thought you’d rather not be left here all by yourself."

Remus stopped what he was doing and looked back at Sirius. "Don’t tell me that’s why you didn’t go with James."

"Why didn’t you go with him, anyway?" said Sirius. "You were invited as well."

"I…" said Remus, and Harry noticed that pearls of sweat had already showed up on his forehead. Now it was Remus’ turn to avoid Sirius’ eyes. "No reason. Are you hungry? I’m hungry. I heard they’ll serve a special breakfast today, because of Christmas and everything. I think I’ll open the rest of my presents later. And I need to write to my parents!"

Remus stood up and walked out of the room before Sirius had answered. Sirius rolled his eyes before standing up to walk after him, but the scene dissolved in front of Harry’s eyes before he heard the door shut behind him. 

Next time he opened his eyes, Harry was standing in an empty corridor. He heard someone approaching, echoing steps coming closer, and suddenly, he could spot a blurry figure at the other end. The person was dressed in Hogwarts uniform, running as if to save his life towards Harry’s end of the corridor. As the panting child ran past him, Harry could spot familiar sand-coloured curls, but Remus had disappeared again before Harry had time to react.

Three other figures showed up at the other end. They ran for a bit before stopping to catch their breaths, and Harry walked towards them quickly to be able to hear them. If he had not just seen a young Remus Lupin run past him, he might have thought for a second that he was looking at a younger version at himself. 

"We’ll never catch him," said James, "He’s faster than you would think, eh?"

"We live in the same room," said Sirius, "What is he doing? Does he think he’ll be able to hide from us forever, or what?"

The third boy, who Harry recognized as Pettigrew, was too out of breath to talk, panting violently.

"We should give up," said Sirius. "Chasing him isn't gonna help."

James sighed. "This is why we decided to  _ shut up _ about it and let him come to us."

"That was  _ never _ happening," said Sirius. "He doesn’t realise what a bad liar he is."

"It doesn’t matter," said James. "We shouldn’t have… blurt it out like that."

"I know," said Sirius, "and I didn’t  _ mean _ to, I’m just… I feel bad lying to him all the time."

"He’s the one lying," James reminded him, "we just had to play along." 

"I’m sorry, alright?" said Sirius. "D’ya think he’s angry?"

"Probably just scared," said James. "Pete, you alright there?"

Peter, his face red as the Gryffindor banner, just nodded. 

"C’mon, then," said James. "Maybe we should head back."

"Wait," said Sirius suddenly. "I… I think I know where he is."

Without waiting for his friends’ response, he set off through the corridor with quick steps. James hurried along, as did Peter, still out of breath. 

"Where are we going?" said Peter.

"The astronomy tower," said Sirius, "he found me there when… just trust me."

"If he’s hiding from us, why’d he go somewhere he knew you would find him?" said James, almost running to keep up with Sirius. 

"Because he didn’t think I would," said Sirius. "Keep up, will you, Pete?"

Harry followed the trio to the stairs leading up to the astronomy tower, and almost felt a sting of sympathy for Peter who stared at the spiraling stairs as if they were his death sentence. Once all three - four, with Harry - had reached the top, they stopped to exchange looks. 

"What if he  _ is _ here?" said James. "Sh’d we really go in? All of us?"

"Why not?" said Sirius

"I’m not… I’m not as  _ good _ with him as you are," said James anxiously. Sirius rolled his eyes, and James added: "Not when he’s like this. I just don’t wanna overwhelm him."

"I’m not going in by myself," said Sirius. "You coming?"

James hesitated for a moment, then nodded. Peter nodded as well, and Sirius opened the door. 

"Don’t hex me," was the first thing he said when he spotted Remus, curled up like a ball towards the wall.

"Remus," said James calmly, taking a few steps closer to his friend, "put your wand  _ down." _

"No!" said Remus. Harry could tell that he was crying. "Are you gonna… no!"

"Oh, you  _ git,"  _ snubbed Sirius. "You really think we’re gonna hurt you? Put it down, Lupin, for fuck’s sake." Remus stared at him hesitantly. Sirius sighed, pulled out his own wand and threw it on the floor to demonstrate his intentions. James did the same, and Peter followed. Remus kept his bloodshot eyes locked at Sirius, with a look on his face that almost made him look insane, but he lowered his wand. 

"Don’t stare at us like that!" said James. "Remus, calm down."

"He’s staring at me," said Sirius, "because he thinks I’ll hex him first, or hurt him, ‘cause I’m a Black, so I must hate him. Ain’t that right, Remus?" 

Remus looked away without saying a word. 

"Well, I’m  _ not,  _ obviously," Sirius added. He took a step closer. "Why did you run off like that?"

Remus still did not say anything. James approached him carefully, and sat down next to him. "You know it doesn’t matter to us, eh?"

Harry wondered why James had been so nervous about going in. From what he had just seen, it seemed as if James was a lot more gentle in handling the situation than Sirius had been. 

"How long have you known?" Remus mumbled. James, Sirius and Peter exchanged looks.

"A while," said Peter, and sat down by Remus’ other side. 

"And how long is that?"

James and Peter looked up to Sirius for help. 

"I… I got suspicious some time after Halloween," mumbled Sirius. Remus made a devastated noise. "The three of us talked about it… you know, that something was up. I had an idea, but I didn’t wanna say anything. Then I noticed that you disappeared around New Year’s…"

"So that’s why you stayed, then," said Remus. "To keep an eye on me? To see if you could figure it out?"

"No," said Sirius defensively, and crossed his arms, "to make sure you weren’t alone, in case I was right." 

Remus did not say anything. 

"Sirius didn’t tell us about his suspicions until a couple of weeks ago," said James, "and Pete and I said it could just be a coincidence, but after that, it was kind of… obvious."

Remus stayed quiet.

"Mate," said James, "It hasn’t changed anything, has it?"

"What do you mean?" said Remus. 

"I mean... Why did you run off like that? You thought we would be mad? Or not like you anymore? If anything, we like you  _ more,  _ now that we know why you’re acting so bloody weird all the time."

"If you tell, I’ll get sent home."

"But of course we won’t tell," said James, and put his arm around the shaking boy. 

"Don’t you think Dumbledore will find out, though?" said Peter.

"He knows," Remus mumbled. 

"Dumbledore  _ knows?" _

"It’s why they planted that goddamn tree," said Remus. "The one that beats the life out of you if you get too close. They hide me there. Under it. During full moons."

He still refused to meet his friends’ eyes - his look was stubbornly nailed to his knees. Sirius, James, and Peter looked speechless.

"You’re not mad?" said Remus, "You’re not… disgusted? Or scared?"

"Why would we be scared?" said James. "You’d never hurt a fly. We know that."

"I could rip you apart," said Remus, "tear you in pieces so small they wouldn’t be able to find you."

James swallowed, undeniably looking a bit scared by Remus’ words. "Don’t say that."

"I’m a beast, James. A monster."

"Don’t say that," James repeated. "You’re our friend and you’re human. It doesn’t change anything, if you are… if you have… a furry little problem."

Sirius, who had been walking back and forth on the floor, stopped just to stare at James. He grinned. Remus also dared to finally look up and meet James’ eyes. 

"A… furry little problem?" he said lightly. His face expression made him look _just_ like his older self, and the professor that Harry had gotten to know years later.

"Yes," said James. "I’m honestly hurt that you would think so."

"I just thought…" Remus could not bring himself to finish the sentence. 

"Is this why you’ve been so… deprecatory?" said Sirius. 

"Deprecatory?" said Remus.

"We thought you didn’t like us," James admitted, "because you were avoiding us, and pushing us away."

"No," said Remus. "No, I didn’t mean to…"

"We know," said Sirius.

"I just thought you wouldn’t want me as a part of your, you know, friend group, if you found out."

"You  _ are _ a part of it," said James, "You’ll always be! Don’t shut yourself in."

"Yeah, we’re here for you, Remus," said Peter.

"Really?" said Remus.

"Really," said James, Peter and Sirius at the same time. 

"But I’m weird," said Remus. James rolled his eyes. 

"Yes, you’re weird. But we like you."

Remus’ eyes wandered between his three friends in disbelief. 

"You were really nice to me," said Sirius and sat down in front of Remus. "When I first came here, and… you know. And you didn’t even know me, then."

"I would have failed every test up to this point if it weren’t for you," said Peter. "You’re really smart. And patient with me, when I’m slow. That’s helpful."

"Most of all," said James, "We’d really have some good use of that quick brain of yours when it’s time to pull pranks. To see the flaws of the plan, before, well, before they happen." Sirius and Peter laughed. "We really think you’re brilliant, Remus."

Remus cheeks turned red. "Shut up", he mumbled, seemingly not really knowing how to respond to the shower of compliments. 

"I’m sorry I said what I said like that," said Sirius. "We didn’t mean for you to find out that we knew about it."

"We were waiting for you to tell us," said James.

"I’m happy you told me now, anyway," said Remus. "It’s exhausting, keeping a secret like that. And thank you. For not hating me. Or telling anyone."

"Can we hug you?" said James. 

Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine." His three friends embraced him, and over Sirius’ shoulder, Harry could spot a warm smile on Remus’ face before the whole scene dissolved again.

They were back in the dorm room. Harry looked around and noticed three boys - Sirius, James and Peter - by the window. This must be Sirius’ memory, as Remus was nowhere to be seen. Harry wondered how much time had passed, because all three boys looked slightly older compared to just a moment ago. He walked over to them and sat down next to Sirius. 

"Why didn’t you want to talk to us about this with Remus around?" said Sirius.

"Because he would say no," said James. 

"Can you blame him?" Peter stuttered. 

"Look," said James, "I’ve been thinking about this for  _ months.  _ How we could help, how we could make it easier. Sirius and I looked through the  _ entire  _ library for something… a cure, a tool, whatever. This is it. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner."

"You know how illegal this is, right?" said Sirius.

"I thought you’d be on my side!" said James. 

"Didn’t say I wasn’t," said Sirius and grinned. "I think it’s a brilliant idea. Just sharing the information, is all."

"It will be… difficult," said James. 

"How difficult?" said Peter.

"Difficult," said James. "But I think we can do it. We have no other choice. I want to help Moony."

The scene dissolved again. When Harry’s surroundings settled, he was still in the dormitory, but almost everything had moved, and when he turned around he saw a significantly older James, almost the same height as Harry was now, standing next to a black dog. 

The door flew open.

"Moony!" said Peter.

Remus flinched and dropped his books as he saw the giant black dog standing in his bedroom. "What is  _ that?" _

"That," said James, "is your friend."

"James, what did you do?"

"What d’ you mean  _ ‘What did I do’ _ ?"

Remus closed the door behind him. "Where is Sirius?"

The dog barked and rushed over to Remus. He jumped up at him, putting his giant black paws on the boy’s shoulder with such force that Remus almost lost his balance. He stared into the dog’s eyes for a second. "Wait… no… you didn’t… you can’t have…"

The dog - Sirius, Harry assumed - licked his face and went back on all four. 

"We just thought..." said James.

"...if we couldn’t find a way for you to not have to go through those awful transformations…" Peter continued. 

"...the least we could do is make sure you weren’t alone."

Remus kneeled next to Sirius, still staring at the dog. 

"You can’t be serious."

"I just told you it is," said James. "And he can hear you, by the way."

Remus’ eyes turned to James. "Is this some kind of joke?"

James sighed. "See for yourself." Seconds later, the boy had been replaced by a stag. It was larger than Harry would have expected. Remus, who was still kneeling in front of the dog, lost his balance and fell backwards. He looked back to Sirius, who was waving his tail impatiently, and then his eyes landed on Peter.

"How?" he breathed. "How? When? How?"

"Don’t ask me," said Peter, "I’m not… there yet. Almost, though!"

Remus stood up, eyes wide. He walked closer to the stag, with a terrified look on his face.

_ "This isn’t possible,"  _ he whispered and reached out his shaking hand. The stag gently rubbed his cheek against the back of Remus’ hand. Harry reached out to touch the majestic animal, but the scene was ripped away from his sight and in the next moment, Harry was standing in front of an enormous white house. 

It was dark outside and the rain was pouring, but the water could not touch him. He looked around to find Sirius, right next to him, soaking wet. Sirius stared at the door for more than a minute before reaching out to ring the doorbell. A couple of seconds passed before the door opened. 

_ "What are you doing here?" _

James stepped outside. Sirius did not respond immediately. When he looked up, James turned white. 

_ "I’m going to fucking kill him."  _ Without saying another word, he reached out and pulled Sirius into a rib cracking hug. "What happened? Are you hurt? Where are you hurt? What did he do?’’

"James -" said Sirius, his voice cracking.

"No," said James, "You know what, you don’t have to say anything. It’s good to see you.’’

‘’But -’’

‘’No, you listen to me, Black, you’re staying here, and we’re gonna take care of you, and you’re not going back there again. I won’t let you." 

"I -"

"Shut up. Just let me hug you." A few moments passed. Sirius was shaking tensely. "Stop acting tough, Padfoot. It’s just me."

And then Sirius started sobbing uncontrollably. "I d-didn’t know where else to go."

"I’m just glad you’re here."

"I’m sorry -"

"Shut up."

"But James -"

"Shut  _ up." _ James let go of his friend. "Go inside. I’ll take care of your things."

Sirius obeyed. As he stepped into the lit up hallway and turned around, Harry could see what had made James react - the right half of Sirius’ face was covered by a blackeye that made Harry’s stomach twinge. Harry followed him, and his father stepped in a couple of seconds later, pulling Sirius’ trunk inside. James closed the door behind him and turned to Sirius again. 

"Welcome home," he smiled, and Sirius let out another sob. "Mum!  _ Mum!  _ Look who showed up!"

"What are you shouting about?" Harry heard a voice, and a woman entered the room.

Harry’s grandmother. 

Mrs Potter was tall, and beautiful, and had a kind face with the same brown eyes as her son. The moment she saw Sirius, she strode across the hallway and wrapped her arms around him.

"Welcome home," she said with a soft voice. "And you’re timing is perfect. Dinner is almost ready. Go upstairs and take a hot shower, you’re as cold as ice. James will lay out a clean towel for you. Take your time and come down when you’re ready." She let go of him and turned to James. "Shall we take care of his things? If you grab the - "

"Mrs Potter," said Sirius, "I’m so sorry, for coming here unannounced, and -"

"I don’t want to hear it," said Mrs Potter and nodded towards the stairs. "Up you go. You know where to find the shower."   
  
Harry cursed loudly to himself as the scene dissolved again. He did not want to leave the Potter house just yet. Knowing that he could never come back, he wanted to stay for a while, he wanted to see more of his grandmother, he wanted to meet his grandfather. He wanted to make sure that Sirius was all right, listen to the conversations that Harry assumed he would have with James all night long. He wanted to sit next to the family he never had as they drank eggnog with music playing in the background, celebrating christmas with them, even if it would just be as a bystander. 

But this was not his memory - and he had no choice but to follow.


	4. And then you called

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius saved memories of Lily and James for Harry. Some of them were less fluffy than others.

When Harry opened his eyes again, the white house was out of sight. He looked around and found that he was back at Hogwarts, on one of the spectator stands next to the quidditch field. A few rows in front of him sat two black-haired boys. Harry walked closer and sat down in front of them, his back against the pitch. 

"Cigarette?" said Sirius and held up the little box of cigarettes for James while putting one between his lips.

James stared at Sirius and then back at the cigarettes. "Fine," he said. "But this one is my last."

"Whatever you say, Prongs," said Sirius absentmindedly, apparently not completely convinced by James’ promise. He lit both of their cigarettes with his wand and took a drag. The two boys were staring at the quidditch field, right through Harry. 

They were almost his age, by now. Harry wished more than anything that there was a way to tell them that he was there, that their future son and godson was watching them. Without thinking about it, he reached out to put his hand on James’, and as expected, found that he could not touch him. Harry flinched as James suddenly moved his hand, as if he had felt Harry’s attempted touch through the decades - but James just ran the hand across his hair and took a drag from his cigarette.

"James," said Sirius suddenly. "James, I need to tell you something."

Neither of them were looking at each other. Harry’s eyes wandered from James to Sirius. A couple of moments of silence passed. James did not say anything. He sat in silence, patiently waiting until Sirius would be ready. 

Sirius swallowed. "I… I think I’m gay."

James blew out a cloud of smoke. "I know, mate."

"You  _ know?" _

"Well I didn’t  _ know-know,  _ but I  _ knew,  _ you know."

Sirius stared at him. James finally looked up and met his eyes. "Why are you staring at me like that? You thought I’d be mad, or something?"

"I -" said Sirius, gave up and shook his head, seemingly speechless.

"It’s him, isn’t it?" said James. 

"What about him?"

"You fancy him."

"Shut  _ up _ , Prongs." Sirius sighed. "How long have you known?"

"Couple of years, I think." 

Sirius did not respond. 

"I’m a bit offended though," said James. 

"About me being gay? Or for not telling you?"

"Well, if you’re into blokes, why have you never made a move on  _ me?!" _

"Sod  _ off,  _ Potter," Sirius grunted and gave James a push so sudden that he flew off the bench, laughing. Harry spotted a grin on Sirius’ face, as well. 

"Hey," said James, still laughing, "thanks for telling me."

"No good if you already knew, eh?"

"Well, now I don’t have to pretend I  _ don’t  _ know."

"And this doesn’t change anything?"

"Of course it doesn’t." James threw what was left of his cigarette over the edge of the spectator stand. "But if you play with his heart…"

"Shut up," said Sirius again.

James shrugged. Harry, not ready to leave the spectator stand quite yet, heard their voices fade away as he was once again travelling through time and room. 

Still at Hogwarts, he was suddenly standing in the library. He looked around to find it was empty - almost empty…

Harry walked over to her with quiet steps, trying not to disturb her, only to be reminded that she could not hear him either way. He sat down next to her and watched her concentrated face as the quill flew across the parchment in front of her. Even though he could have sat there for hours, if not more, just staring at her, he soon remembered that young Sirius or Remus must be close.

In the next moment, Harry heard a low voice behind him.

"Lily."

She turned around. "Oh, hi, Remus! Wanna sit down?"

"If you don’t mind some company."

"I never mind your company," said Lily and closed the ink bottle in front of her. "How are things?"

"I didn’t want to bother you," said Remus. "Keep studying. Exam coming up."

"I could really use a break. Talk to me?"

Remus dumped his school bag on the floor and sat down on the opposite chair. 

"Things are fine," he said, "how are things with you?"

"You look tired."

"I always look tired."

She reached for something in her bag and pulled out a stack of papers. She flinged them across the table. "There you go."

"What’s this?"

"My transfiguration notes. You weren’t there, neither was Potter, Pettigrew wasn’t getting it and Black didn’t look as if he was paying attention."

Remus stared at them and swallowed. "Thank you."

"Where was he, by the way?"

"Who?"

"Potter."

"Oh." Remus squirmed. "Just, not feeling well either."

"Okay," said Lily, not looking entirely convinced. "Is he better?"

"Yeah, he’s better. Why?"

"No reason." She looked back at the parchment in front of her and screwed off the lid from the ink again. Harry saw that Remus was suddenly smiling. 

"So," said Remus, "your friend Mary… is she single?"

"Uh, yeah," said Lily. "Why, are you interested? I thought you were with…"

"I am," said Remus and shrugged. "Just heard James talking about her the other day. He thought about asking her out for Valentines, so I promised to ch -"

Lily flinched and cursed loudly as she spilled the ink all over her parchment. "Remus, please… can you... I’ll just make it worse."

He pulled out his wand, mumbled a few words, and watched as the ink faded.

"Thank you," said Lily. "And my writing is still here… how did you do that?"

"Cleaning spells," said Remus and put his wand back. "I’m so clumsy, I had to master all of them."

"Please teach me," said Lily, still staring at the dry parchment in front of her with wide eyes. "So what were you saying?"

"That I’m clumsy?" Remus said.

"No, about… about James."

"So it’s  _ James _ now?"

"Potter," Lily corrected herself immediately. 

Remus shrugged. "Didn’t think you’d care."

"I don’t!" said Lily with a voice so shrill that madam Pince let out an angry hiss from the other side of a book shelf. "But… Mary’s my friend, and… I mean…"

"Lily," said Remus, "I’m sorry, I’m just teasing you. He has no interest in Mary. You’re an even worse liar than I am. Can’t you just admit that you’re interested?"

"Fuck you, Lupin. And I’m  _ not _ interested."

"But you admitted that he’d changed."

"He has, and we’re friends, but I’m not interested."

"You and I are friends, but you don’t insist on calling me  _ Lupin.  _ Except from when you’re mad at me, apparently. _ " _

"That’s because you’re my _good_ friend!"

"Okay, and good friends tell each other secrets, right?" 

"What are you -"

"So if I told you that James was thinking about asking  _ you _ out for Valentine’s… as my good friend, what advice do you think I should give him?"

Lily stared at him. "He is?" 

"Just answer the question."

She sighed. "Where is your loyalty, Lupin?"

"This isn’t really war."

"Are you  _ sure _ , though?" 

They were interrupted by Sirius, who suddenly showed up between the bookshelves. "There you are." He put his hands on Remus’ shoulders and nodded towards Lily. "Evans."

"Black."

"What are you doing here?" said Remus. 

"It’s four!" said Sirius.

"Already?" Remus looked at his watch. "Bloody hell." He stood up, put Lily’s notes in his bag, walked around the table and gave her a hug. "Thank you for the notes. I’ll see you around."

"Bye," she said. Sirius and Remus had just turned around when she stood up so quickly that her chair fell backwards. "W-wait!"

Sirius and Remus turned.

"Maybe it wouldn’t be… the worst idea," she said, looking directly at Remus. "You know… About your friend. If you wanted my advice."

Remus smiled at her. "Didn’t think so either. Take care, Lily."  


_ "How come she married him? She hated him!" _

_ "Nah, she didn’t." _

They left, and Harry was teared away from the scene. Next thing, he was by the fire in the Gryffindor common room. In the sofa by the fire sat Peter, Sirius and Remus - the two latter holding hands. Harry wondered if they had assumed that he would not notice.

"They’re here!" said Sirius suddenly and knocked over the tea cup next to him. "They’re here! They’re here! Act normal! Normal, Wormtail, normal!"  He threw the parchment he had been holding at Remus who sighed, pulled out his wand and mumbled  _ "mischief managed" _ in the same moment as the portrait hole flew open. Harry watched his younger mum and dad climb in through the hole, smiling and red-nosed. 

"Cold outside?" said Remus.

"Freezing," said Lily.

"Had a good time?" said Peter. 

James and Lily looked at each other. 

"Can’t complain," said Lily. James flushed. 

"So our room is emp- " said Sirius, but was interrupted by Remus who smacked Sirius’ head with the Marauder’s map. 

"Actually," said Lily. "Remus and I have some prefect duties to attend to."

"Tonight?" said Remus, saw the look on Lily’s face, and added:  _ "Right.  _ I had forgotten about that. Shit."

"I just need to change," said Lily. "Ready in five?"

Remus nodded. She disappeared up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory room. James sat down on the floor in front of his friends. 

"So?" said Sirius. 

"Acting normal, was it?" Remus mumbled.

"I did!" Sirius protested. 

"’ _ Our room is empty’?" _

"I just thought -"

"Save it, Pads," said Remus and turned to James. "How did it go?"

"Good, I think? Or really bad. I’m not sure."

"What does that mean?" said Sirius. 

"I… don’t know?" said James. "I’m kind of… freaking out."

"Don’t worry," said Sirius. "Moony will find out how you did."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"You don’t really have prefect duties right now, do you?" said James. Remus stayed quiet, but he smiled at James. "You don’t! She just wants to talk to you about the date, doesn’t she?" 

"I don’t know what you’re talking about," said Remus lightly. "I take my obligations as a prefect  _ very _ seriously."

James groaned and threw a pillow at him. "You’ll tell me everything tonight, won’t you, Moony?"

"Tell you what?"

_ "Moony _ !" 

James went silent as he saw Lily come down the stairs again.

"Ready to go, Remus?"

"Ready." He stood up. "See you later, lads."

Harry walked after Remus and Lily. He knew that if this was Sirius’ memory, he would not be able to follow them, but to his relief, the portrait hole shut behind him as he climbed out after them.

_ "Oh my god _ ," said Lily, "I just  _ had  _ to talk to you immediately - I’m sorry."

"No, no, of course - let’s walk a bit, shall we?"

"Thank you, thank you." They started walking down the empty corridor. 

"So?"

"So what?"

"How did it go?" 

_ "Fuck _ ," said Lily, "fucking piece of bloody  _ hell." _

"Please tell me that’s witch language for ‘ _ it went very well, Remus, thank you for asking’?" _

"No, no, Lupin,  _ listen  _ to me…"

"I am listening."

"No,  _ listen." _

"Lily, calm down."

She stopped, turned, and looked at him.

"I… I…  _ fuck." _

Remus sighed. "What happened?"

"I think I’m falling in love with him!" Lily hissed.

"Is that what all the cursing is about? Blimey, Lily, you scared me."

"But that was  _ not  _ what was supposed to happen. We were finally friends. I really like him, you know. As a person. But…. But I… I didn’t think I would…  _ fuck." _

"Why did you go out with him if you didn’t think you’d, you know, like him?"

"I don’t know." Lily crossed her arms. "I just thought it might be fun. I don’t know. Didn’t think much about it. Figured that it won’t hurt, you know, just for a night."

"So your problem now is that you… actually do like him?"

"Yes! Way more than I intended.  _ Fuck." _

"But that’s great, Lily."

"Maybe to you, that is!" 

"What’s the problem?" Brown eyes met green as she pursed her lips in a way that made her look like professor McGonagall. "It’s… it’s Snape, isn’t it?"

"No. It’s not. No. You wouldn’t understand."

"You always say that," said Remus calmly, "are you sure I don’t understand? Or do you just not want to explain?"

Lily did not respond.

"Fine," said Remus, "listen, if you like James, that’s a good thing. I know that you’re bothered by everything that’s happened. I would lie if I said I wasn’t, too. But people change, just as you said. James has changed. You’ve seen the good in him now, haven’t you? I… understand why you held on to Severus for so long. But if you ask me? While James has changed, Severus simply… hasn’t. Or he has. But not in a positive way, I think." He paused. "Did you hear about…"

"Yes," Lily interrupted him. 

"You and I are friends," said Remus, "but I’m also friends with James. So no, this might not be the best place to come for if you want impartial advice. But on the other hand, I know James better than most. And I think you should give him a chance, not just for him, but because I don’t think you’d regret it."

"He’s… you’re right."

"He’s what?"

"He’s kind." Lily stared at the floor, still with her arms crossed. "He really… cares about things. He cares about you lot. And people in general. I never dated someone who just seemed so… genuinely interested in what I had to say."

Remus smiled.

"He’s a lot brighter than I thought, as well." Lily looked up. "Such a shame he didn’t show it for the first six years."

"Told you so."

"Don’t look so… smug."

Remus laughed. They started walking down the hallway again. 

"Tell me everything about the date now, will you?"  
  
  


_ "She started going out with him in seventh year." _

_ "Once James had deflated his head a bit." _

Harry wanted to hear Lily tell Remus everything about the date, but the ground disappeared under his feet and once it reshaped, he was standing in a Hogwarts bathroom. Water was running, somewhere. Harry looked around and found that he was alone - but then he heard what sounded like muffled sobs from one of the booths. 

Before there was time for him to see who it was, the door from the corridor had opened and someone stumbled inside. It was James, with hair messier than usual and his glasses on a slant.

"Padfoot?" said James. "Sirius, you in here?"

Whoever had just been crying suddenly turned silent. James took a few careful steps towards the booth next to Harry. 

"We heard what happened," he said. "We’ve been looking for you for hours. Brought the map with you, eh? Didn’t make it easy for us."

Silence.

"Sirius, please. I know you’re there."

A sniffle was heard from the booth, but whoever was on the other side - Sirius, Harry assumed - did not say anything.

"I know what you’re thinking," James continued. "I can hear that you’re crying, and you don’t want me to see. First of all, get over yourself, and open this bloody door before I blast it open, alright?"

The door flew open.

"Oh, Merlin," James mumbled when he saw his friend. 

Inside was Sirius, curled up on the floor, cheeks glistening with tears. James fell down to his knees next to his friend. "Sirius…"

"You heard?" said Sirius with a voice that broke. "Y-you heard w-what he did?"

"Yes," said James quietly, "We heard."

Sirius buried his face in his knees. James crawled over to him and put his arms around his shaking friend.

"I’m so sorry, Padfoot, I -"

"I failed him," Sirius sobbed. "I failed him."

"You didn’t fail him."

"I shouldn’t have let this happen."

"Regulus makes his own choices, just like his brother. His just happened to be… bad ones."

Sirius looked up. His eyes were red from crying.

"But had I  _ been there _ for him…"

James sighed. "You  _ were _ there for him." He reached for the toilet paper, ripped a piece from the roll, and handed it to Sirius who dried off his runny nose. 

"No, I…" Sirius did not finish the sentence before he was crying hysterically again. James moved closer so that Sirius’ could lean his head on James’ shoulder. "I... I’m sorry, I…you should leave."

"I’m not leaving," said James calmly. 

"I c-an’t speak properly."

"Fine, then, I’ll sit here and speak un-properly with you." 

Sirius took a deep breath. "He’ll get killed, James. I can’t protect him when he’s with them. What if, when we graduate, if we - when we join the order, what if he’s the one facing us out there? I can’t stand the  _ thought _ … Bellatrix is one thing, I’d get rid of her in a heartbeat if I had to, but  _ Reg?  _ What am I gonna  _ do?" _

"You don’t have to do anything," said James. 

"But what if -"

"We’re not out there to kill. You don’t have to blast people out of the way just because they’re there."

"I… I can’t protect him when he’s with them," Sirius repeated under his breath. 

"I know," said James. 

"Listen to me," said Sirius. "Crying over how I can’t protect him… a  _ Death Eater… _ "

"Your brother," said James. Sirius buried his face in James’ shoulder and let out what sounded like an involuntarily sob. 

"I should have stayed."

"If he’d ever been on your side, you might have, am I wrong?"

Sirius did not answer.

"Don’t pin this on yourself, mate. You were a good brother."

"Who  _ turned my back on him." _

"You didn’t. Don’t forget about all the times that you were understanding, and forgiving. You wanted to lead him on a better path, didn’t you? When I first suggested that you’d move in with us to get away from those awful parents of yours, who was the reason you said no? Who was the reason you kept saying no for five years?"

"What about all the times I told him that I never wanted to see his stupid face again?"

"This  _ isn’t your fault. _ "

"But I could have -"

"Sirius! Listen to yourself! You’re a Black! Look at your cousins, look at your parents. It’s a miracle  _ you _ turned out as good as you did. You’re brilliant, truly, but don’t overestimate yourself. Just because you could bring the Black out of you doesn’t mean you can… I mean, just because you could bring yourself out of the Black doesn’t mean you can… ah, screw it. Nevermind. You can’t teach an old dog to sit? No, nevermind." James sighed. "I’m just trying to say this was sort of bound to happen."

"I’m  _ angry _ ," said Sirius, "in a sad way."

"I think the word you’re looking for is  _ disappointed." _

"Ah." Short pause. "Is this how your mother feels about your grades?"

"Git, I’m trying to be nice to you," James said, but he smiled at his friend's joke. 

Sirius sat up straight. He had stopped crying. "I know. Thank you." He swallowed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "How could he be so  _ stupid." _

"These are weird times," said James, "he might come around."

"If he does, he’ll get killed. It’s too late."

"Don’t say that." He squeezed Sirius’ shoulder. "Pads, take a deep breath." Sirius did as he said. "It… it will be alright."

"You don’t understand," said Sirius. A muscle twitched in James’ face. He looked hurt by these words. "You don’t have a brother."

"No," said James, with a cold note in his voice. "But I have you, which must be about as close as it gets. And if you ran around getting dark marks on your underarm, I’d be quite upset, too."

"I… no."

"What?"

"No, nevermind."

"Come on, you can tell me."

"I just…" Sirius sighed. "Honestly, I just don’t know what I’d do without you."

"Come here." James hugged him. "Thanks for not being a Death Eater."

Sirius laughed his barking laugh, and Harry was ripped away from the Hogwarts bathroom. 

Harry did not know where he was, this time. It was a small, dark room, the only source of light being a tiny window in the corner of the wall. 

He was surrounded by four people in black robes, two of them wearing masks. All four - Death Eaters, Harry assumed - had their wands pointed towards two people in the middle of the room. Harry’s heart skipped a beat as he saw who they were. 

"Don’t make the torture you again. Would be such a shame, to ruin… such a pretty face," said a voice. Harry recognized a much younger Antonin Dolohov, and a roaring anger welled up inside of him as it hit him that this was the man that had made Ted Lupin a fatherless child.

Lily was crying. Sirius had his eyes closed, as if trying to concentrate. They were sitting back to back, tied to their chairs with their hands behind them. 

"Come on, then," said Dolohov. "We’ve been patient."

"We’re not telling you  _ anything _ ," said Lily with shrill sobs. She was bleeding from her mouth, wet wisps of her hair stuck to her face. Harry felt panic build up in his chest as he knew that he could not help them, protect them, intervene. 

A second Death Eater, face covered by a mask, appeared from a small door in the corner that Harry had not seen until now. He walked over to Dolohov, and whispered something that Harry could not hear.    


"Fine, then," said Dolohov coldly and straightened his back. "We’ll give you a few moments to think about this. We’ll see if you reconsidered when we come back. If not… well, we know when the fight is lost. We’ll have no good use of you, anymore. Come on, all of you." He disappeared through the door, and the other three followed. It was not until now that Harry recognized Bellatrix Lestrange among the four, arms crossed. 

Lily burst into tears again the second the door shut. They fumbled after each other’s hands, desperately looking for something to hold on to. 

"Don’t cry," Sirius whispered. "Don’t cry, Lily… we need to think. Listen. I’ll tell them that I will give them the information if they let you go. I think they’ll do it. They’re desperate enough."

"What? No! If they find out, then…"

"They’re not  _ going  _ to find out."

"But -"

"There’s no time. Listen to me. I’ll give them the ultimatum, and as soon as you get the chance, you run."

"No! No! I… I’m not leaving without you."

"Lily," said Sirius desperately. "I made a promise to James that I would get you home safe." He was breathing heavily. "This is the only way."

"And I made promises, too. I’m not leaving without you."

"Either you do, or we both die."

"No… there has to be another way." She swallowed. "Was that… you brother? Behind one of those masks?"

"Yes," said Sirius bitterly.

"D’ya think you could…"

"No. There’s four of them. Even though he’d take our side, we’d be one wand against three." 

"But he wouldn’t let you  _ die _ in front of him?"

"I’m not so sure, anymore."

She tried to reach for his hand again. Her fingers brushed against his palm as tears ran down her cheeks.

"I love you, Padfoot. Did I ever tell you that?"

"Shut up, Evans. This isn’t goodbye." He sighed. She turned quiet for a few moments. 

"There’s no way, is there?" she whispered. 

"Please, Lily, please please please. Let me give them the offer. Regulus is here. I might have a greater chance than you of getting out of here, even if I’m left alone."

"I don’t want to hear it. Forget it."

"Why are you being so bloody stubborn?"

"Well then, why don’t you let me give them the ultimatum, and you run?"

"That’s  _ not  _ happening."

"Then  _ shut up, Black.  _ We’re leaving together or not at all." 

Harry had to remind himself over and over that his mother and godfather  _ would _ somehow make it out of this situation, in spite of how things were looking at the moment, but his heart was racing with panic. This had definitely been Sirius' idea, to put this stupid memory in the bottle. He probably thought that it would be exciting for Harry to watch such a terrifying scene. Harry wished he had not. 

"What are you thinking about?" said Sirius quietly when a few moments of silence had passed. 

"James. If we get out of here, I’m marrying him in a heartbeat. I wish I’d already done it. I want to die a Potter. I want to be his."

Is that why Sirius had saved this memory for him? 

"I really wish he’d heard you say that," said Sirius. 

"Me too." Lily swallowed again. "Wait… what if you turn into Padfoot?"

"Already thought of that. I transform, and then I let you loose, and then what? There’s a Death Eater watching the house right outside, and we don’t have any wands." He took a deep breath and leaned back at her. "And I love you too, Evans."

Harry saw Lily grimace as she swallowed her tears.

"Do you think they’re back, soon?" she mumbled. 

"Soon," said Sirius. 

"This is not how I’d thought I’d die."

"Me neither."

Silence. 

"You… you made a promise to  _ him _ ?" said Sirius. 

"Yes."

"What kind of promise?"

"That I’d make sure you’d get home safe. That I’d take care of you." Pause. "He didn’t want me to tell you that, but it doesn’t matter now, does it."

"I wish I’d made things right with him."

"I know you do."

"I love him. I really do."

"I know you do."

"And I wish I’d apologized to Peter."

"For what?"

"For always being so mean to him."

"He knows you don’t mean it."

"Oh, I always mean it. I just love him, anyway." 

Pause. 

"I wish I’d made things better with my sister," said Lily, but before Sirius had answered, the door flew open again. Sirius and Lily both flinched. 

"Thought about our offer?" said a voice and Dolohov stepped inside again, followed by his companions. 

Sirius took a deep breath. Neither he nor Lily uttered a word. 

"Let me do it!" said Bellatrix with a shrill voice. "Please!"

"Last chance," said Dolohov, ignoring Bellatrix’ offer. When their hostage remained silent, he sighed. "Well, then. Bella."

She laughed and stepped forward, pointing her wand at Sirius.  _ "Crucio!"  _

Sirius screamed. Lily’s scream was equally loud. Harry noticed that one of the Death Eaters hidden behind masks flinched and took a step back. 

_ "Sirius!" _ Lily cried. 

"Don’t - tell - them!" Sirius’ voice sounded as if he was choking. 

_ "Enough," _ said Dolohov, and Bellatrix’ curse was broken. "They had their chance. They made their choice. We have more important things to do."

_ "Fine," _ said Bellatrix. She walked closer to Sirius and pointed her wand at him. He refused to look at her, refused to fight, refused to give her the pleasure of watching him be defeated. "Let’s start with you, dear cousin.  _ Avada ked -" _

_ "No!"  _ said a voice. Dolohov turned. Bellatrix let out a loud, eerie laughter. 

"Want to protect your big brother?" she yelled. "That’s… adorable! Maybe we should let you join him when we’re done with him? It’ll be a nice family reunion!"

"I just thought -" Regulus took off his mask. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes, but his resemblance to his much more good-looking brother was impossible to miss. "They’re no good use to us if we kill them now, are they?"

"So what do you suggest?" said Dolohov.

"They’ll give in," said Regulus. "They’ll give up. Soon."

"Go ahead then," said Dolohov. 

"What?" Regulus stuttered.

"Make them. Apparently, there’s something we haven’t thought of. That is, if you’re not… uncertain about where your loyalty lies, Black." 

"No," said Regulus quickly. He walked over to Sirius. Harry could tell that his legs were shaking. His nervous countenance brought Harry’s memory to images of the pained Draco Malfoy in the astronomy tower with his wand pointed at Dumbledore. 

"Where is the headquarter?" he said, attempting to sound stern, staring at Sirius. 

"I’m not telling you, Black" said Sirius through gritted teeth. 

Regulus stood frozen, panicked. 

"I think we should let little Regulus do it," said Bellatrix with her eerie smile. "Two birds, one rock - it’ll be a chance for little Reggie to prove his loyalty."

"Yeah," said Sirius, "go ahead, little Reggie!"

"Sirius, don’t be an idiot!" Lily yelled.

"Shut up, you stupid girl," said a voice from the fourth Death Eater. He had removed his mask as well by now, but Harry did not recognize the face under it. 

Regulus suddenly kicked his knee into Sirius’ face. Sirius cursed. Lily screamed. The blood was drenching Sirius’ face, and he panted. 

_ "Tell me!" _ said Regulus with a shrill voice, almost begging. 

"Enough," said Dolohov and pushed Regulus to the side, "enough with the family drama. This is your last chance, Black, or we’ll kill the mudblood and then kill you too.  _ Where is the headquarter?" _

"It’s," said Lily through the tears… "it’s… I’ll tell you. It’s… I…"

"You’re trying to stall us, pretty girl?" said the unknown Death Eater. 

"I’ll tell you," said Sirius. "I’ll tell you, if you let her go first."

_ "Sirius!" _ said Lily.  _ "No!" _

"I’m sorry," Sirius whispered under his breath. The door slid open, but no one seemed to notice.

"That’s a tempting offer," said Dolohov. "But if you trick us, you know we’ll kill you?" 

"Yes," said Sirius. Lily was crying hysterically. "I’m not trying to trick you. Just let her go. If I don’t tell you after that, you can kill me."

"Oh, shut up," said Bellatrix. She flicked her wrist, and Lily’s mouth was covered by black pieces of fabric shooting out of Bellatrix’ wand. "Tell us, and we’ll let this disgusting little mudblood go."

_ "Don’t call her that!" _

"You have our word for it," said Dolohov. "We’ll let her go if you tell us. C’mon, Black.  _ Crucio." _

_ "Stupefy!" _

Harry could not see where the spell had come from, but panic broke out in the dark little room as Dolohov fell to the floor. Suddenly, Harry saw two figures appear out of nowhere. It was James and Remus - they had thrown off the invisibility cloak. A red lightning flew out of James’ wand, pointing towards Bellatrix, and Remus ran over to Sirius and Lily to loosen the ropes that tied their hands together. 

_ "Run," _ he said as the ropes fell to the floor. Flashes of lightning were already flying in all directions across the room. Harry instinctively took a leap forward, pained by his inability to help. 

"No!" Lily spitted as she had ripped the black fabric away. 

"You’re no good without wands," said Remus and turned around just in time to stop a blue lightning from hitting him in the chest.  _ "Run!"  _

With a flick of his wand, Remus managed to hit Bellatrix with a spell that threw her across the floor, and she collapsed on the floor as she hit the wall. Before he could react, he was hit from behind by the fourth Death Eater, and he fell down to his knees, clenching his shoulder. Harry saw how red spots appeared through his shirt, and within seconds, Remus’ hand was drenched in blood. He lost all balance and his head hit the floor. Sirius threw himself towards Remus, while Lily physically grabbed the Death Eater by the shoulders. She managed to kick her knee in his crotch, and as he bent forward in pain, she threw him on the floor, giving him a last kick towards the head until she could tell he was unconscious. 

Regulus’ curse hit James right in the chest. His wand flew out of his hand as he was thrown into the wall. He sank down on the floor and let out a scream of pain, and the only armed man still standing now was Regulus, and his wand was pointed right at James. 

"What are you gonna do, Black?" James screamed.

Regulus did not say anything.

"This isn’t about the war, is it?" James continued. "You hate me! You always hated me!"

Regulus still did not respond. Lily stood frozen, watching the scene in front of her, terrified to move so much as a finger. 

"You couldn’t stand the fact that your brother chose me," James hissed. "You want to kill me? Kill me then! Let’s see how that helps you!"

Regulus made a sudden movement, but froze again as a roaring  _ "NO!"  _ broke the silence. He turned around quickly.

"I don’t want to hurt you," said Sirius through gritted teeth. His face was still covered with blood, but he had gotten hold of Remus’ wand and was pointing it right at his younger brother. "But if you touch him, I’ll kill you."

Regulus lowered his wand. "S-Sirius…"

_ "Petrificus Totalus!"  _ Sirius yelled. Regulus’ body hit the floor with a thud. James was on his feet and next to Remus’ lifeless body in less than a second. 

"No," he panted. "Remus?" With some effort, he managed to stand up, carrying Remus against his shoulder. "C-can you walk? Sirius? Lily, are you hurt? We need to get out of here."

"But -" said Lily.

"The one outside is unconscious," said James. "S-Sirius? You’re limping -"

"I’ll help him," said Lily. "Go!"

James pulled Remus outside, carefully put him down next to a tree, and went back to help Lily support Sirius. The second the three of them were within reach from Remus, they disapparated. 

"Help!" said James. "Help! He’s hurt - he needs help."

They were in the waiting room at St Mungos. Harry had followed without really noticing how.

A healer ran to meet them. His colleague came running with a stretcher and with a flick of her wand, Remus levitated and gracefully landed on it. The healer peppered them with questions that Sirius and Lily tried their best to answer, and within a minute, the healer and his assistant had set off through the hallway. Sirius made an attempt to follow, but the healer held up his hand.

"You’ll see him later," he said. 

The moment the stretcher was out of sight, James pulled Sirius and Lily into his arms. He held their tired bodies against his chest, crying hysterically, unable to speak.

_ "James!" _

James was mumbling incoherently while crying, refusing to let them go. He leaned towards the wall behind him and slid down to the floor, forcing Sirius and Lily to follow. They curled up together, James arms’ almost smothering the others.

_ "What if I’d lost you?"  _ he sobbed.  _ "What if I’d lost you?" _

"You didn’t," said Sirius. "You didn’t."

"And  _ I wasn’t there to protect you…" _

"You were! You’re the reason we’re here."

James buried his face in Lily’s red, messy hair. "If we hadn’t find you in time…"

"But you did."

"You’re not going anywhere without me ever again."

"James…"

"Shut up." He pulled them closer. "I love you. I love you both so, so much. Don’t you dare die without me."

"James…"

"Shut  _ up! Don’t.  _ I demand to die first." He peppered both of their foreheads with kisses. "Deal?" He loosened his grip. "And Lily - I wanna marry you."

"I already said yes," said Lily.

"No, I want to marry you  _ now _ . I know we said we’d wait, but… I don’t want to wait. I want you to be mine, I want you to be mine now. I don’t care if we do it next week, tomorrow, tonight. I just… I don’t want to wait."

Lily was crying too much to respond properly. She nodded and kissed him. 

"I’ll marry you, Potter," she stammered.

"I’m so sorry," said James and turned to Sirius. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry."

"What are you sorry about, mate?" said Sirius. 

"For letting you go on that stupid mission by yourselves."

"We weren’t by ourselves,” said Sirius. “Fabian and Gideon were…"

He stopped himself before he finished the sentence.

“We found them,” said James quietly. “Or Frank and Alice did, that is.”

Sirius nodded. “How did you know where we were?" 

"What d’ya mean? You called."

"What?"

"The mirror? You called. I got worried two days ago when you hadn’t shown up. Was on my way to talk to Moony, but he came to me first. We went everywhere for clues…  _ everywhere… _ we were desperate, and then you called."

He loosened his grip enough for Lily and Sirius to look up at each other.

"But I didn’t call," said Sirius. "I didn’t even have the mirror on me."

"What? But I saw you."

"Did you?"

"Where’s the mirror, then?"

"They…  _ oh."  _ Sirius turned whiter than he had already been. "They… they took it." He swallowed. "Thought it wouldn’t matter, because they didn’t know how to use it. Are… are you sure it was me?"

"I mean, it was only for a brief second, but…" James paused. "It was… it was Regulus, wasn’t it?"

"It sure wasn’t me." Sirius took a deep breath. "Nevermind. Remus is gonna be okay, right?"

"He’ll be okay," said Lily. "We should get you some help too, though."

"I’m fine."

"Have you seen your face?"

"It was too perfect anyway. Needed something to make me look tougher."

James laughed and peppered Sirius’ head with kisses again. 

"Where’s Pete?" said Lily.

"With his mother," said James. "She’s getting worse again. Should tell him we found you as soon as we get away from here." 

Sirius nodded. "Thanks, mate," he said, "for, you know, saving our arses."

James laughed. "There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You know that, right? Let’s get you something to eat now."  
  
  
  


_ "Look," said Sirius. "Your father was the best friend I ever had and he was a good person. A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think in the comments. Have a happy easter! <3


	5. We thought we'd name him Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are three last memories for Harry to watch in the pensieve.

The next time Harry looked up, he saw himself in a mirror, standing right behind Sirius. With a wrinkle between his eyebrows, Sirius viewed his reflection with care. Something about the collar on his garment caught his attention, and he fiddled with it as Harry heard a voice behind them.

"How do I look?"

Sirius turned around. So did Harry.

"Like a groom," said Sirius, smiling. Harry did not know how much time had passed, but Sirius’ face looked whole again, he was not as skinny as he had been a moment ago, and James’ hair was shorter. 

James swallowed and looked out the window. "I’m gonna mess this up."

"There’s not much for you to mess up at this point."

"What if she says no?"

"She already said yes."

"I mean, by the altar. What if she gets cold feet?"

"She won’t."

"How can you know?"

"Lily is a very dedicated woman, mate."

James walked up to the mirror, leaned close enough to almost touch it with his forehead, and stared at himself critically. Sirius walked up behind him.

"My hair," James mumbled, "it won’t cooperate."

"Does it ever?" said Sirius. James looked up at him.

"How come you look better than I do? You always look better than I do, but bloody hell, Padfoot, it’s my wedding day!"

"Sorry," Sirius laughed and brushed some dust away from James’ shoulder. "It’s the genes. And the gay. I’m joking. You look great, Prongs. Lily will pass out before she gets to the altar."

"Let’s not hope too much, shall we," James mumbled while flashing his teeth at the mirror to make sure there were not any leftovers stuck there. 

"Are you alright?"

"Yes." James closed his mouth and leaned back. "I will be. Do we have anything to drink?"

"Sure we do." Sirius smiled and gave him a pat on the back. "I was just gonna go check on Lily. I think Remus brought a bottle or two… well, he brought five."

James smiled and nodded. "Thanks, mate."

Sirius disappeared. Harry stared at his father for a couple of seconds before turning around to walk after his godfather out in the corridor and into another room a couple of doors down the hall.

Sirius halted the moment he had stepped over the threshold. He put his hand on his chest. "I think I just turned straight."

Harry walked past him and looked up. There was his mother, in the same wedding dress that Harry had held in his hands the day before. Her hair was a bit longer than it had been just a moment ago in St. Mungos, so at least a couple of weeks must have passed. She was sitting in an armchair, holding an almost-empty glass.

"You look beautiful," said Sirius and walked inside. He bent down to kiss Lily on the cheek. "Absolutely stunning."

"Watch it," said Remus mumbled, teeth clenching a couple of bobby-pins, eyes focused on Lily’s hair. "Dear Merlin, Lily, you must have at least one female friend who would do a better job than me with this. Where are your bridesmaids?" 

"They’re coming!" said Lily. "You know Marlene was supposed to do this, but… Yeah."

"She’s not coming?" said Sirius.

"Still in St. Mungos," said Remus. He cursed as he dropped one of the pins. "Can we get your mum, or something?"

Lily laughed. "You know what," she said and looked in the mirror, red curls falling down her shoulders. "Maybe I’ll just wear it down like this. What do you think?"

Remus removed the bobby pins from his mouth and put them down on the table next to him. "I think that’s the best idea you had today."

"Beauty!" said Sirius again. "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous."

"No cold feet?"

"No."

"So I can tell James you’re not leaving him at the altar?"

"He thinks I am?"

"Are you?"

"My feet are warm, Sirius." Lily stood up and smiled. 

"Good." Sirius nodded. "I prepared a speech here… "

"Aren’t speeches supposed to be held after the ceremony?" said Lily.

"This is a very informal speech," said Sirius. He jumped as he heard a sudden, loud noise. "What was that?"

"Champagne," said Remus who had just opened the bottle with a pop. He refilled Lily’s glass. "Want some?" Without waiting for Sirius’ response, he grabbed an empty glass from the table and filled it with the bubbling drink. 

"It’s a muggle drink," said Lily. "We drink it to celebrate. Try it. You’ll like it."

Sirius took the glass that Remus handed him. "Thank you." He smelled it skeptically and took a sip. "Why are muggles inventing all the good things? We should be able to keep up with them. This is good."

"Told you," said Lily.

"Now, Evans," Sirius began, "and I’m using this opportunity to call you Evans since this is my last chance - "

"Speech time?" said Lily.

"...I’d like to say a few words," Sirius continued. "You’re about to marry a very special man, Evans, and although I will not entirely forgive you for stealing him from me, I’m very happy that it’s you who are marrying him." He paused to take another sip. "But enough with that soppy shit for now, I’m saving it for dinner." He walked over to Lily and sat down on the armrest. "Lily, we trust you with this man. And that’s like… a step above trusting you with our lives. Don’t tell him I told you this, but you really did draw the winning ticket." He threw a glance at Remus. "Well, one of them, at least. You know James. He’ll love you with so much heart that you’ll wonder how his chest doesn’t explode. He’ll be so loyal and committed to you, he’ll beat himself up for the slightest mistake. And he’ll protect you from things you didn’t even know you needed to be protected from. But he’ll also be doubtful. Inpatient. Like me. Impulsive and at times, hard to live with. I know you’ll manage. But Evans, I swear to all that is holy - if you hurt him…"

"You’ll kill me?" Lily smiled. 

"I won’t kill you, Moony wouldn’t let me… I’m joking … he’d probably help, but…"

"Don’t worry," said Lily. "I know what I’m in for. I love him, Sirius."

"And you can always come to me," Sirius added. "I’m not Moony, but, you know, I’m good with Prongs-advice."

"That’s true," said Remus. "He is."

"Actually," said Lily, "since you offered…" She stood up, walked over to a bag that was standing in the corner, and pulled up a piece of parchment. "I could use your eyes."

Sirius stared at the piece of paper handed to him. "Are these your vows?"

Lily nodded. "I’ve been up all night, I… are they awful?"

She stared at him as his eyes flew over the paper more than once. He smiled and gave them back to her. "They… are perfect, Lily. He’ll be crying like a baby before the ceremony is over."

"Let’s not hope too much, shall we?" said Lily. 

"I need to get back to James," said Sirius, "make sure he’s not peeing himself over there."

Remus handed him the rest of the bottle. "Bring him this."

"Perfect. Thank you. And by the way, have you seen Wormy?"

"He’s out there talking to James’ parents."

"All right." Sirius smiled at Lily. "I’ll see you at the altar!"

Until this point, there had been a clear purpose of each and every memory that Sirius and Remus left to him. They had wanted to comfort Harry after what he had seen in Snape’s memory, to show him the good parts of James, to prove that James had been a father to be proud of. They had wanted to show that he had grown up, matured, and that he had earned Lily’s love. 

This one was different. Harry wondered if something was about to happen. Maybe they had just meant for him to see that James and Lily were really in love. Harry remembered wondering if James had forced Lily to marry him. 

But as he sat down in the chapel a while later - on an empty spot next to Remus - he realised that this memory was not meant to prove anything. Remus and Sirius had simply wished for him to experience this day, with his parents, with his family, with all of them. They had wanted him to give him a chance to be a part of that family he never had, for just a little while. 

He looked up at Remus. They were the same age now, although Remus looked a lot older than Harry felt. 

"Thank you," Harry mumbled. "Thank you. For everything."

Remus did not meet his eyes. 

"I wish I’d known you better," said Harry. "I wish I could stay here. I wish I could talk to you." He paused. "I’ll do this for Teddy, too. I promise. He’ll never doubt how great you were."

Remus did, hardly surprising, not respond, but stood up as music began to play. Harry stood up, too, and watched his mother walk through the little church. It was not until now that he noticed the short man next to Remus. It was Peter Pettigrew. Was he already one of Voldemort’s men? Harry decided to swallow the anger burning inside of him and direct his focus elsewhere. There was nothing he could do about Pettigrew. He had taken Harry’s parents away from him, and Harry was not going to let him take the memory of them, too. 

Remus whispered something to Peter who smiled widely in response. 

"I never told you that he died," said Harry to Remus. "Did you ever find out?"

Sirius looked right at them from the altar, smiling. He winked at Remus, who flushed and fastened his eyes on the back of Lily’s head. 

It was a simple ceremony. James cried for a bit. Lily had managed to fit in a deer-related pun at least four times in her vows. And to Harry’s relief, when the church disappeared, he entered a beautiful house filled with gifts and decorations. As a ghost, he wandered around at the party, watching his grandparents, his parents’ friends, and unfamiliar faces. He listened to an endless amount of speeches, and sat next to James and Lily as they fed each other cake. 

As he stood in the middle of the dance floor, he was almost relieved that he was only a bystander, because his tear drenched cheeks might not have gone well with the festive mood. And then, he was lifted away from the party. 

Harry had never seen this kitchen before. Looking around, he found his godfather sitting by the table. He was deeply concentrated on the newspaper in front of him, and when Harry took a step closer, he noticed the crossword puzzle on the page. They both jumped as a loud noise was heard from the other room, and before Harry had reacted, Sirius had stood up and rushed out of the kitchen.  
She was dressed in muggle clothes - jeans and a checked shirt that was way too large for her - and had her hair up in a messy bun. When she turned around, Harry saw the tears that ran down her cheeks. 

"Are you alright?" said Sirius immediately. "Is James okay? What happened? Are you hurt?"

"No, no," said Lily with a broken voice, "I… I just had to talk to you. Is Remus home?"

A couple of seconds later, Remus showed up in the doorway across the room from the kitchen. He looked from Lily’s devastated face to Sirius’ confused desperation as if he was searching for an explanation, but Sirius just shook his head. Remus walked over to Lily, mumbled "come here" and pulled her into his arms. She buried her face in his chest and let out a sniffle.

"Lily," said Remus calmly, "did you and James have a fight again?"

Lily let out an inaudible mumble that drowned in Remus’ sweater. 

"Sirius," said Remus and their eyes met over the red tangle of hair, "could you maybe make us some tea, please?"

Sirius nodded, looking relieved to get something to do, and walked out to the kitchen again. Remus let go of Lily and their eyes met. 

"Can I stay here for a while?" she mumbled. "Just sleep on the couch for a couple of days."

"Of course," said Remus, "of course you can, but why? You fought again?" 

"No," she said. "No… it’s not that."

"What happened?"

She burst into tears.

"Come on," said Remus. "Let’s sit down." He put a hand on her shoulder and led her to the sofa. "Tell me?"

"Everything will fall apart," she sobbed.

"What’s gonna fall apart?"

"He’s gonna leave. He’ll leave."

"Accio tissues," said Remus and a pack of paper tissues came flying through the living room from the bathroom. He handed them to Lily who gratefully took one to wipe off her runny nose. "What are you saying?"

"James," said Lily.

"James leaving? That does not sound right."

"Remus… you don’t understand."

"You’re not giving me much to understand here."

Sirius came back carrying a little tray with three tea cups and a pile of cookies. He handed one of the cups to Lily who dried her tears with the tissue. 

"Thank you, Sirius. Sorry for bursting in like this."

"Don’t apologize," said Sirius. "You know you can always come here." He handed Remus the second tea cup. "What can we do?"

Lily stared down at her tea without saying a word. Sirius sat down on her other side. They waited patiently while Lily seemed to gather herself. 

"Lily," said Remus quietly. "Did you… you know. With… you know. Him?"

"No!" said Lily immediately. "What do you think of me?"

"Well, I’m sorry. I just thought… you said James was leaving -"

"James is leaving you?" said Sirius. "That does not sound right."

"That’s what I said," said Remus.

"I’m pregnant," said Lily suddenly. 

Sirius let out a shrill "You’re what?". Remus spilled his tea all over himself and cursed loudly as the hot water burned his thighs. He pulled out his wand and mumbled a few magic words to clean up the mess in his lap, put down his now almost-empty tea cup and looked up at Lily. 

"You’re pregnant? That’s - That’s - Lily, that’s - I don’t know, what is it? Isn’t it great?" Remus stammered.

"Why are you upset?" said Sirius. 

"What did James say?"

"How did he react?"

"Why would he leave?"

"Is it not his?"

"What!" said Lily. "Of course it’s his!" 

"Then why would he leave?" said Remus again. 

"I’ll go talk to him," said Sirius and stood up so quickly he almost lost his balance.

"No!" Lily protested.

"I’ll go with you, Sirius," said Remus. "But we’ll let Lily finish, first. What did he say when you told him?"

"I didn’t."

"..."

"I mean, I haven’t, yet."

Sirius and Remus exchanged looks.

"So all that shit about him leaving…?"

"Well, he’s gonna!"

"Because you’re pregnant?" said Remus.

"This is bollocks," said Sirius. 

"Sirius -" Remus began. 

"No, Lily, you made this scenario up in your head. James is not leaving you, he won’t be angry, and he’s not gonna be upset."

Lily stared at him.

"I think he’ll be happy, actually," Sirius continued. He added with a low voice: "It’s your anxiety speaking. Don’t listen to it."

"I think he’s right," said Remus.

"You’re both crazy," said Lily. "He’s 19! I’m 19! No one wants to be a father at 19! And we’re always super careful, but… but… I don't know, something went wrong. It’s not that I don’t think he wants to have a baby with me, ever, but - we’re so young! And there’s a war going on! The timing is so bad, and it’s just… There are so many things he wants to do."

"I’ve known James for a long time," said Sirius, "and the only thing he ever wanted to do was you, to be honest."

"Sirius!" said Remus, but Harry saw how a muscle jumped in his jaw. Tears started to run down Lily’s cheeks again. "I think what Sirius is trying to say is that James loves you very much, and if you think he’s going to leave you, over a thing like this, or ever, then I’m afraid we don’t know the same James." 

"But his parents just died," said Lily, "and… the timing is just…"

"Not perfect, maybe," said Sirius, "but what does that matter? James loves you and he wants to have a family with you. That’s why he married you."

"Stop talking," said Lily, "both of you. You’re just gonna get my hopes up and…"

Sirius looked as if he was about to protest, but Remus but his hand on his arm behind Lily’s back to stop him.

"Fine," said Remus, "let’s not talk about James. How do you feel about this?"

Lily just stared at him.

"Have you even thought about that?" Remus added. 

"I just… I can’t do this alone."

"You’re not alone, either way," Remus said. "No matter what happens, you’ll have us."

"I really want to have this baby. Getting rid of it is not an option. I know it’s stupid, but I feel like I love him or her already. I’m just… not ready. I feel like it would be selfish of me to do this to him, or her, and to James. He’s not ready to be a father. You both know he isn’t."

Sirius and Remus exchanged another look of unspoken consensus.

"We’re not so sure. He might surprise you," said Remus. A loud noise was heard from the kitchen and a fourth person stumbled inside. The three friends on the sofa flinched and looked up to see who had just entered. 

"Padfoot? Moony? Are you home? Are you dressed? I’m so sorry, but... " James appeared in the living room. He stopped when he saw them. "...but Lily is missing." 

"We found her," said Sirius jokingly.

"Dear God," said James and strode over to them. "Why didn’t you leave a note or something? Are you upset? You’ve been crying! Why have you been crying? Sirius, why has she been crying?"

"Calm down, mate," said Sirius.

"Are you hurt? What’s wrong?" James fell down to his knees in front of the sofa and reached for Lily’s hand. His eyes were flying from Remus to Sirius, searching their faces for answers.

"Sirius," said Remus quietly. "I think we should lea -"

"I’m pregnant," said Lily before Remus had finished his sentence.

James looked as if every ounce of blood in his face had disappeared. 

"Y-you’re…"

"I’m sorry," said Lily. "I’m sorry, I know this is awfully bad timing, and I know this isn’t what you wanted, and I know I said I had the protection spells under control… and I know I should have told you first but I knew you would be mad, and want to break up, and I just was so shocked by finding out and not ready to deal with it, and I just had to talk to someone, so I came here. I’m sorry, I don’t know what went - It doesn’t matter, James, I want to have this baby, I’m having this baby, even if I have to do it by myse-"

She was interrupted. James had stood up and thrown himself over her. 

"You’re pregnant? That’s what you were upset about?"

"Y-yes…"

"And you thought I’d be mad?!"

"You’re not?"

James burst into tears. "Fuckfuckfuckfuck… Lily, I… fuck. No."

"Are you crying?" said Lily. James just sobbed as a response. 

"Told you," said Sirius.

"I love you," said James between the sobs, "I love you so much, you stupid stupid witch. You thought I was gonna leave you?" 

"But… this isn’t what you wanted."

"The timing isn’t… what we had planned, but things never go like we planned them, do they? A family with you is all I ever wanted," said James.

"Told you," said Sirius again. "Shall we give them some privacy now, Moons?"

James let go of Lily for a second just to grab Sirius’ shirt and pull him threateningly close to James’ face. "Padfoot, did you hear this?! I’m gonna be a dad!" He rolled over so he was now suffocating Sirius’ under his body weight rather than Lily, still sobbing.

"And you’re still a giant baby, yourself," said Sirius, grinning, but he threw his arms around his friend. "Congratulations, both of you."

"Sirius, stop acting," said Remus tiredly. "You’re about to start crying as well, aren’t y -"

He was interrupted by loud sobs that drowned the sound of James’ crying. Remus rolled his eyes, and while Sirius and James were speaking incoherently in a shrill language consisting mostly of sobs, he hugged Lily. 

"You’re gonna do great," said Remus quietly in her ear. "Both of you."

"Moony!" shouted James. "Did you hear? A dad!"

"I heard," said Remus, smiling widely at him.

Sirius made a choking noise as James flew up from the sofa. He put his glasses on the table and started to walk back and forth in the living room, running both his hands through his hair. "A dad. A dad. I’m gonna be a dad!" He stopped and looked at Sirius, Remus, and Lily, who were all staring at him, half happy, half confused. "A dad! For real? Have you heard?!" He reached out his hand to Lily and pulled her up on her feet. Tears still running on them both, he grabbed her face and kissed her. Their eyes met when they separated.

"I’m happy," said James, "aren’t you happy?"

"I’m happy if you’re happy," Lily whispered. "I was just scared that you…"

"I love you, Evans."

"It’s Potter," she corrected him with a smile. "And I love you too."

Harry was at St. Mungos again, back in the waiting room. He looked up to find Sirius, apparently sleeping, his head leaning on Remus’ shoulder. Remus was reading The Daily Prophet, and the smallest detail caught Harry’s attention.

July 31st, 1981.

His heart sunk as he had a feeling that this might have been the last memory Sirius and Remus had left for him. 

James entered, hair messier than usual and a lot longer than Harry had seen it before. 

"Padfoot, wake up," said Remus and gave Sirius a gentle nudge while looking at James with eyes wide open.

"Are you a dad?" Sirius mumbled and rubbed his eyes.

"I’m a dad!" said James, beaming.

"Did everything go well?" said Remus.

"Perfect," said James, "he’s perfect…"

"He?" said Sirius. "And you were so sure it was gonna be a girl."

"I’m kind of relieved it isn’t, to be honest," said James. "Do you wanna meet him?"  
  
"Maybe Lily is tired," said Remus. "We just stayed to see that everything went well. We can come back tomorrow."

"She just asked for you," said James. "She wants to see you."

"You sure?" said Sirius.

"Absolutely. C’mon." James nodded in the direction of the hallway, and the two walked after him. They entered one of the smaller rooms, and Harry was suddenly staring at his much younger self in the arms of his mother.

Lily looked tired, but her green eyes were beaming with happiness. 

"Will you look at that," said Sirius as he walked over to the hospital bed. He bent down to give Lily a kiss on the forehead. "What a miracle."

"He’s so… small," said Remus and gave Lily’s shoulder a warm squeeze. "Look! He already has your hair, James."

"Mini-Prongs!" said Sirius. "Congratulations, darling. He’s beautiful."

"Do you want to hold him?" said Lily. Sirius turned white.

"I don’t know how to hold a baby," he said.

"It’s about time you learn, then," said James. "Come here." He lifted Harry from Lily’s arms, and carefully handed him to Sirius’ embrace. "Just make sure to support the - see, you’re a natural!"

"Am I doing it right?"

"You’re doing it right," said Lily. She glanced at James who nodded encouragingly. "Sirius… we were gonna ask if you wanted to be Harry’s godfather."

Sirius flinched so violently that Harry was afraid his younger self would be dropped. "W-what? Me?"

"Of course," said James. Sirius stared at him.

"Have you really thought this through?" he said. 

"Didn’t have to," said James. 

Sirius looked down at newly born Harry. "Did you hear that, mini-Prongs? We’re gonna be best friends, you and I." He lifted him up to his face and kissed his forehead. "I’ll teach you everything I know. Share all of my wisdom… Honestly, I’m gonna give you so many ideas for pranks."

Harry broke into tears. 

"I’m sorry, Sirius," he sniffled, once again wishing more than anything that he could be heard. "I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you had to come save me. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you."

"We’ll take that as a yes," said James and smiled. "We thought we’d name him Harry."

"Harry," said Sirius. "Harry. Harry Potter."

"Harry James Potter," said James. 

"Of course - Harry James Potter. It’s catchy. I like it."

"I miss you," cried Harry. "I miss you so much, Sirius."

"Come on," said James and walked over to the window where two armchairs were standing. He pulled them to the bed. "Sit."

"Moony?" said Sirius and turned to him. He held up Harry. 

"Oh, no, I’ll definitely drop him," said Remus and shook his head as he sat down in one of the armchairs.

"Nonsense," said Lily. 

"Pretend it’s a… mango or something," said Sirius.

"A mango?" said James. 

"It’s about the same size, is it not?" said Sirius. "Here." He held Harry up to a hesitant Remus, who carefully took the little bundle in his arms. He looked terrified at first, but eventually relaxed and looked up at Lily. 

"He has your eyes," he said with a smile before looking back at Harry. "I thought about… you know how when Lily found out she was pregnant we talked about how this wasn’t good timing? I think we were wrong. This chap is the light we need in these times. I mean… look at him."

Harry’s heart hurt as he stared at them all. He wished that little boy in front of him had known how lucky he was to be there, surrounded by the four people who loved him the most, the four people who would all give their lives to protect him. 

And then the hospital faded away.


	6. Just thought you would like to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is emotionally exhausted and gets some help to clear out his thoughts.

Harry had hoped to quietly sneak up to Ginny’s room, process everything, and talk to her and Ron about it, but when he arrived at the Burrow again, he found to his surprise that Hermione was finally home. The night was spent celebrating, not giving Harry a lot of time to neither talk nor think about today’s emotionally exhausting experiences. 

After dessert, when Ginny and Ron were both stuck in a heated conversation about quidditch, Harry took the opportunity to sneak out for some air and quiet. 

He sat down on the stairs outside and took a deep breath in the chilly British summer air. He felt more tired than he had since the Battle of Hogwarts, not exactly sure where he should begin to untangle his thoughts. It was as if someone had shown him a trailer to a movie he would never get to see - an introduction to what could have been his life if it had not been for Voldemort. 

Knowing that he had been supposed to watch the memories with Remus and Sirius still being alive, it hurt twice as much as it should have. He knew that they could have been with him now, talking to him about what he had just seen, explaining what he did not understand, answering his questions.

Harry had taught himself to not be a man of "what if":s, but in this moment, it was difficult not to. What if Harry had just let Remus and Sirius kill Peter Pettigrew that day? What if they had never gone to the Ministry on the day that Sirius died? Sirius would have known who R.A.B was. Sirius would have come with them, to help them, just like Remus had wanted to. With Sirius alive, Harry would never have said those awful things to Remus. 

"Out here by yourself?" said a voice. Harry turned around. Hermione stepped outside, closed the door behind her and sat down next to him on the stairs. "What’s bothering you, Harry? I heard you were cleaning out Remus’ things. Are you upset?"

"No," said Harry, "I’m not upset."

"You look upset."

"I’m not." He ran his hand through his hair. "Just… confused. And there’s a lot left to take care of."

"How about I go with you tomorrow?" she suggested. "Before I go check on my parents. Four hands are better than two."

"Yeah… alright. Thank you." He gave her a grateful smile. "Hermione... will you be going back to Hogwarts?"

Hermione hesitated for a second. "Yes. Ron talked to you?"

"We talked, before you were back."

"You’re not going back, are you? Neither of you are."

"No." Harry swallowed. "At least not now." 

He prepared himself for the speech Hermione was about to give him about the importance of an education and remaining on track if they even wanted a _chance_ to live normal lives, but it never came. When Harry looked up to see her reaction, she just nodded.

"Okay," she said. "I understand." 

The next morning, they appeared at the little cottage together. Hermione made an attempt to go inside, but Harry stayed still on the grass. 

"Harry?" 

"I… I need to talk to you about something first," Harry said. 

"Okay," said Hermione.

"Did you know?" he began. "Did you know, that they were a couple?"

"Who? Remus and Tonks?"

"No," Harry shook his head frustrated, even though he knew that Hermione could not possibly know who he was talking about. "Before that. Remus… and Sirius."

"Oh." Hermione froze. "Did you find something that you weren’t prepared for?"

"Just answer the question, please."

Hermione squirmed. "No, I didn’t know. Not in the sense that anyone told me, anyway. I’m just… not surprised."

Harry nodded and looked down. He did not realise until this moment how much of a relief it would have been to just hear Hermione say that the thought never crossed her mind.

"How?" he said. "Why didn’t I know?" 

"Harry, no one ever told me anything," said Hermione. "It was just… a feeling I had."

"But how?" said Harry again. He desperately wanted to know what he had missed, what Hermione had seen that he had not, why she had known them better than he had. 

"I just…" She looked troubled. "It was a guess. That there _had_ been something, at least. Just something about how they looked at each other. And talked to each other. Remus lived with Sirius in that house, didn’t he?"

"But he was poor!" said Harry. "He lost his job! And I bet they just wanted someone to make sure Sirius did not run off because he was so bored in that awful place…"

"I know," said Hermione. "It’s just that… Remus was the only person that Sirius ever listened to, wasn’t he? Don’t you remember, that summer in Grimmauld Place..." 

"They were friends!" said Harry. "Sirius trusted him!" 

"Okay," said Hermione calmly, "I just always had the impression that they had a past."

"But Sirius thought that Remus was the spy," said Harry. "He… that’s why they didn’t tell him…"

"Okay," said Hermione again. "Why are you upset? I might be wrong. I just… why did you ask me, if you’re so convinced they weren’t?"

"Because you’re right," Harry blurted out. "And I’m just… I can’t… I don’t understand why I didn’t see it."

"Oh." Hermione took a step closer. "Harry, it’s not… I think… you’re just… you can be a bit oblivious about these things. It wasn’t that obvious. There was nothing you should have seen."

Harry nodded. 

"What did you find?" Hermione asked. 

"Letters," said Harry quietly. "And pictures."

Hermione nodded. "Let’s go inside, shall we?" 

Harry led her inside the little cottage. The boxes were still spread out on the floor since his last visit. He walked over to the table and picked up the pile of letters.

"These are love letters," said Harry. 

"From when?"

"From before Sirius went to Azkaban."

"And you’re sure they’re meant for him?"

"Well… I found these pictures, too," said Harry. "And then I found this letter. From Grimmauld Place, I think. I don’t know… and I know it shouldn’t matter." But it did. It did matter, if it had all gone on right in front of Harry’s eyes. He picked it up and read it again before handing it to Hermione.   
  


_...I understand if you don’t feel the same, I expect nothing else. But please come home - as my family, as my friend, as someone who needs a place to stay, or as mine. I just can’t stand being without you again.  
_ Love, Padfoot

"Oh, dear God," said Hermione as she read the letter. _"’I know I shouldn’t have kissed you’?_ Dear God, must they have had issues when Sirius came back."

"I don’t understand," said Harry. "Look at the boxes… look at the writing on them." He pointed at the opened box. "That one, with my parents’ names on it, was filled with things from Godric’s Hollow, there was a note from Remus in it, he had meant to give it to me. That must’ve been why there’s an H on it, right? But the old letters from Sirius, and the pictures, and his watch, and some other stuff… was in this one. _Throw away."_

Hermione put away the letter and bent down next to the box. Her eyes wandered from one of the boxes to the others. 

"Harry… Harry, I think…" She went silent.

"What?" said Harry impatiently.

"I think these are Sirius’ old things. From before Azkaban."

"Yeah, I know, but…"

"I think Remus put them here after your parents died. With the letters, and pictures."

"What?"

"Look." She sat down, reached down the box and pulled up a bottle of motor oil. 

"I don’t understand."

"I think… I think Remus saved some of Sirius’ things. And the letters… they were from Sirius, right? So Remus already had them. He put them here when he thought that Sirius was the traitor. That’s why it says _Throw away."_

"But why didn’t he?"

Hermione shrugged. "Maybe these are the things that he couldn’t bear himself to get rid of."

"Motor oil?"

"I don’t know. I just thought… since Hagrid’s motorbike, you now… someone said it was Sirius’ old motorbike. I can’t tell you why all of these things had some kind of sentimental value to Remus. But he saved them, for all those years, can you believe that?" She put the motor oil back in the box. "Maybe that’s why the H was put there later. If there were things in here that you might want, I mean. When he knew that Sirius was innocent. Or maybe after Sirius died."

"Then why did he never give it to me?"

"Maybe because he knew he’d had to explain why he kept Sirius’ old sweater while Sirius was in Azkaban. Maybe he was ashamed. Wouldn’t you be?" She tilted her head. "Harry? What are you thinking about?"

"They left me memories." Harry swallowed. "That’s why I took so long to come back, yesterday. They left me memories of my parents. I went to Grimmauld Place to look at them. They had a pensieve there, do you remember?" He ran his hand through his hair. "And the memories… there were one with Sirius coming out as gay to my day. And several with him and Remus… not _obviously_ together, but… I’m just confused, why they never gave me those memories while they were still alive. Did they mean to? Were they going to explain to me, before I got them? Were they going to tell me?"

"I don’t know," said Hermione quietly. Harry’s heart sank with disappointment. He had hoped that Hermione’s excellent brain could have given the obvious answer that he had just been to stupid to see for himself. "I’m sorry, I don’t know. Maybe they were going to tell you, but Remus got cold feet after Sirius’ died and Tonks came into the picture."

"But he saved them."

"Maybe he just forgot."

"I… wish I could ask him."

"I know."

Harry blinked away annoying tears of frustration that had welled up in his eyes without notice. He reached for the pictures and handed them to Hermione, who flipped through them with a sad smile on her face.

"Can you imagine?" he said. "Them, as a couple. I really can’t, no matter how hard I try."

"You can’t?" said Hermione. "You knew them better than I did, but I always thought they seemed a bit too close to just be old school friends."

"No," said Harry, disappointed with himself, "I never saw it."

"It’s difficult, of course," said Hermione. "I guess Sirius changed a lot in Azkaban. Probably hard not to." She stopped flipping through the pictures. Her eyes had frozen on one of them. "It’s sweet," she said. "Can you imagine Remus saved all of his things? For more than twelve years."

"It’s not sweet," said Harry, almost annoyed with Hermione. "Remus thought that Sirius was the traitor."

"Look!" said Hermione, who had turned one of the photos around. "Is this Sirius handwriting?"

_I love you to the moon and back._

"Yes," said Harry, who immediately recognized Sirius’ unexpectedly neat handwriting. 

"The moon!" said Hermione excitedly, and flipped through more of the photos. "Oh, God! Look at this one!"

_To my favorite star. I love you. /Remus_

"Mrs Tonks said that they fought a lot," said Harry, who did not know what to respond to Hermione’s fascination. "Before my parents died."

"Maybe that’s why Sirius thought Remus was the spy?"

"I guess."

"Maybe you should go find some of their old friends and talk to them about it? I guess they’ll have things to tell you about your parents, too. They’d probably be happy to meet you."

"I don’t know any of their old friends."

"Ask Molly and Arthur."

"Yeah." Harry ran his hand through his hair. "You’re right."

Hermione put the pictures away. "Harry, I don’t think you should dwell too much on this. You didn’t know because they didn’t want you to know. There was a lot going on around us all and they probably… you know, thought there’d be time, and were just trying to figure it all themselves."

"You’re right," said Harry again. His eyes fastened at the happy faces on one of the old photographs. "I guess some things are just stuck in the past."

***

"I was hoping you’d step by soon," said Mrs Tonks. "I have something to tell you. I changed my mind."

"You changed your…"

"About the house." She swallowed. "I mean, it’s Teddy’s, and he can do whatever he wants with it when he’s older, but… but I don’t think we should sell it. We should keep it for him until he’s old enough to make the decision. And someone should look after it until then."

Harry was standing in her hallway. It was raining outside, and he was dripping all over the floor.

"You want to stay there?" said Harry with a raised eyebrow.

"No," said Andromeda, "but I thought perhaps you might?"

Harry froze. "Me?"

"I mean - I know it’s not a palace, really, but I just thought… that you might not want to stay with the Weasley’s forever."

"No," Harry confirmed.

"And I understand that you don’t want to live there for the rest of your life, but I just thought… well, it’s yours to live in if you want to."

Harry thought about it. "It feels… I don’t know."

"I don’t think Remus would mind at all, if that’s what you’re thinking," said Mrs Tonks. "I think he would have considered it a great idea."

Harry looked away. "I will think about it," he said. He swallowed. "There was something I thought about, while we’re on the topic. The reason I came here."

"Mhm?" said Mrs Tonks, absent-mindedly.

"I was wondering about your sister," said Harry.

"What does Bellatrix have to do with anything?"

"Not Bellatrix, Narcissa Malfoy."

Mrs Tonks looked up at him with wrinkled eyebrows. Harry knew that, much like Sirius, Mrs Tonks did not exactly love to talk about her family. 

"What about her?"

"Is she older or younger than you?"

"Younger."

"Thought so," said Harry, thinking about the age difference between Draco and Nymphadora. "I just thought you might want to take over Grimmauld Place."

Mrs Tonks dropped the book she had been holding and looked at Harry with an wild and astounded face that, for the first time, revealed the Black features that reminded him of Sirius. 

"If you want it, of course," said Harry, his heart beating fast. "I just thought… I don’t really need it, and when Dumbledore told me about Sirius will… I just didn’t want to give it to Bellatrix, but she was his oldest relative."

Mrs Tonks still did not say anything.

"You don’t have to decide now," Harry continued, as the silence was uncomfortable. "I’ll come back soon and hear what you think, all right?" He put his hand on the doorknob, but hesitated and turned around before opening his mouth again.

"She saved my life," he said. "I don’t think I ever told you that."

"Who did?"

"Narcissa." He ran a hand through his hair. "Voldemort sent her to see if I was breathing, that day in the forest. She said I wasn’t. That’s why they brought me back to the castle."

Mrs Tonks did not respond. Harry continued: "I assume she wanted to get to her son, but… it saved my life. I just thought you would like to know."

"I’m glad she did," said Mrs Tonks, "but it was just as much of a selfish act as the rest of the stupid decisions she’s done in her life." She paused, looked away. "Thank you for telling me, Harry."

Harry nodded. He said goodbye and left the Tonks house again, thinking about the proposal Mrs Tonks had given him. Remus’ cottage would be big enough for both him and Ron - the study had enough space to turn into a bedroom. He liked the idea of the house being there for Teddy as he got older, and quite frankly, he liked the idea of living there, somewhere he had a connection to. 

That settled it, he thought. Now he just had to see if he could get Ron on board. 


End file.
